Finding Happy

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Gambit37
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Finding Happy

Post by Gambit37 »

I was recently invited to write an article for a book called "The Business of Web Design", by one of the web-designer people that I follow on Twitter.

The brief was fairly loose within a few different categories. I chose to write in the "Experience" category. My effort is below. I wanted to share it here as
1) A lot of you know the struggles I've had over the years trying to find "my place" in the world, and this article serves as a summary catch up ;-)
2) If the guy writing the book doesn't like my article, I at least wanted to make sure *someone* would get to read it!

Note this is only a first draft so there may be errors, but I think it's generally OK.

"Finding happy"
==============================

As a child I was a creative geek. Unlike my friends, my interests did not stretch to the sports field and instead I spent my time drawing, building and reading books.

My father was a civil engineer and through his influence I learned to appreciate the beauty of buildings. I loved to build my own creations using my favourite toy, Lego. I spent happy hours building the thing on the front of the box, but many more hours building what I saw in my head: vast castles of weird proportions; strange buildings in gaudy colours. I dreamt of becoming an architect.

I also loved to lose myself in books, escaping to fantastic far off worlds. Tolkien, Le Guinn, Clarke, Heinlein: these authors captured my imagination and encouraged me to dream. As I dreamt, I wrote. I wrote crazy stories about silly things. At school, creating stories and being asked to read them in class was a special thrill. I dreamt of becoming a writer, following in the footsteps of those great names who had inspired me.

As I read my way through a vast catalogue of fantasy fiction, a new type of book appeared: one where you could be the hero. Four hundred paragraphs to read in the order you chose; a personal adventure that you could win or lose. Livingstone, Jackson, Morris, Dever: these new authors inspired me too, and now I dreamt of writing exciting gamebooks for kids like me.

Three dreams, three possible paths. I chose none of them.

When I was seventeen, my father died from alcoholism. My mother, who had been manic schizophrenic for a very long time, became increasingly disturbed. Our family had been collapsing for some time and it now felt like we were torn apart. Despite this -- or because of it -- my siblings and I managed to survive with strength and determination. I wanted to get started with my life and put the tough times behind me.

I was lucky: At 21 years old, I got my first real job at a local management training company in Brighton. I helped to develop training courses for people to work through on a computer. Sixteen colour VGA displays and everything delivered on floppy disk! It was fun and rewarding and over the next twenty years I developed a diverse digital skillset and a large portfolio. Since 1993 I’ve worked on over 150 projects in many different capacities. I’ve been lead developer on a major educational CD-ROM and lead designer on a suite of training packages. I’ve been the designer and front-end developer on over 70 web projects. I’ve also worked as information architect, project manager, accessibility consultant, IT support, WordPress developer and many more.

It’s a great feeling to know that I’ve helped build some great products, but there were downsides too. For every new skill I learned, for every new responsibility that I undertook, I became less satisfied. The more that I moved away from design-and-build, the less happy I became. My skills became too broad and diluted. I lost my focus and enthusiasm and employers didn’t know what to do with me.

Eventually I went freelance, which was fine for a while. But it wasn’t long before I lost my way again. I questioned my abilities and became very demotivated. I suffered debilitating depression. Somehow I managed to keep going and my clients were happy with what I produced, but I knew it fell short of my own high standards. My mental health became questionable. My relationship with my girlfriend became difficult. I stopped seeing my friends and family.

Yet there was still a hunger in me, a frustrated energy that crippled me. I felt that I should be doing something else with my life, but I didn’t know what. Perhaps freelancing wasn’t for me? I was spending too much time on my own, a common predictor for depression. I returned to full-time work so that I could work in a team again. But two different roles in two years didn’t bring the resolution I craved. One role was too diverse leaving me feeling overwhelmed, while the other was too focused which left me unfulfilled. I had also realised that web design had started to bore me. Maybe I needed to do something different?

It was chance that kick-started my ambition again. Perusing the Google Play store in 2012, I discovered a digital gamebook. I laughed. Really!? Such things were dead and buried, a product of their time. But upon consideration it made sense: tablets were perfect for that sort of gaming experience, something you could play easily without pencils or dice. I followed the new digital gamebook companies and realised I had all the skills to do the same: I could develop a gamebook app and write my own gamebooks. My dreams from half a lifetime ago came rushing back. I felt excited about a future I’d forgotten I wanted.

Of course, it would be too risky to give up my entire career on the chance that I might be successful with gamebooks. No, I would still need to use my existing skills to fund myself first. After a lot of thinking about how to keep an income while exploring the gamebook dream, I finally had a plan on how I might make it work.

There’s a lot of work ahead and it’s going to be difficult. But for the first time in a very long time, I’m in control of my life again and and I’m quietly optimistic for my future. It just took time and reflection to find the right path.

I guess there’s truth in those old clichés: “Follow your dreams” and “Do what makes you happy.” I know I’m finally on the path to finding my happy. Good luck with finding yours!
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beowuuf
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Re: Finding Happy

Post by beowuuf »

Inspiring article! I hope others get to see it in print elsewhere.
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oh_brother
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Re: Finding Happy

Post by oh_brother »

Also, good luck with the gamebook!
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RAF68
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Re: Finding Happy

Post by RAF68 »

gambit is you happy in your life right now ????
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Gambit37
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Re: Finding Happy

Post by Gambit37 »

Yes :-)
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Re: Finding Happy

Post by Seriously Unserious »

That's a great article. I hope it gets published. I also wish you nothing but success in designing and selling your gamebook apps.
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terkio
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Re: Finding Happy

Post by terkio »

Impressive. Congratulations.
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Re: Finding Happy

Post by linflas »

Looks promising. I remember talking about that gamebook idea but I'm impressed that you took the plunge ! Go on Matt :)
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Chaos-Shaman
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Re: Finding Happy

Post by Chaos-Shaman »

:) such is life, you will find what you're looking for. sometimes it's in front of you in plain sight. I am happy for you Gambit.
keep your gor coin handy
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Gambit37
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Re: Finding Happy

Post by Gambit37 »

It turns out that sometimes I'm incredibly naive.

Things clearly aren't going to be how I thought when I wrote the article above. "Follow your dreams" and "Do what makes you happy" is impractical primary advice. One should always start with "Pay your bills"!!!

I'm going back to contracting for a while. Best to earn as much money as possible doing what I'm good at (web design) while I'm still able to. The writing will be just a hobby, not a money earner. And actually I'm fine with that. It's all good :-)
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Re: Finding Happy

Post by Ameena »

I understand that writing is notoriously hard to earn proper money from...which is a bit of a shame since it's what I want to do...but if you can at least do it sometimes, then you can be doing what you want in between stuff that's necessary to pay the bills and stuff. Not that I have any bills yet, since I still haven't found a job that means I can get my own place, but maybe something will turn up eventually :P.
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Wizard Zedd
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Re: Finding Happy

Post by Wizard Zedd »

It is sad but true Gambit...as adults we have to do what needs to be done to provide the roof over our heads and food in our bellies, which often lays waste to our dreams. However, finding a job/career that you enjoy and finding the time to do what you really want to do is a balance that a lot of people can't find. I wish you luck in finding your happy balance :)
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Magica
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Re: Finding Happy

Post by Magica »

Playing Dungeon Master makes me happy !
Last edited by Magica on Fri Aug 08, 2014 1:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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terkio
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Re: Finding Happy

Post by terkio »

About the previous post.
:shock: Here, on this forum, I wish proselytism to be banned.
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Re: Finding Happy

Post by Chaos-Shaman »

democracy calls for it, truth abides by it. find your happy.
keep your gor coin handy
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