The Changing Man

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Gambit37
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The Changing Man

Post by Gambit37 »

Good day to all you fellow DM fans!

I am not quite sure where this message will lead. It's about something that is still a series of developing thoughts. It might be rambling or a bit difficult to follow. It might make perfect sense. I don't know.

I am unsatisfied with my life. I have been for a long time and have been slowly trying to sort myself out. Those of you who know me reasonably well will know some of the knocks I've had over the last years and how I have been dealing with them.

I recently met a girl who has very quickly helped me realise that which I have known for a long time. That there is only one person who can sort me out: me. I have been filling my life with unrewarding distractions, been failing to engage with the world and have basically become a fairly solitary and depressed, negative person. I have been doing therapy for four years and while that has helped me a lot, it's not making a difference to my overall satisfaction with my life.

I am tired of making do. I am tired of not fulfilling any of the things I want to do. I want to travel, to explore places, to try new things and enjoy life while I'm still young. I am unfit, I can't drive and I can't swim. While depressed, all these things have seemed unattainable goals but deep down I know they are not. I just need to stop worrying and start living and I have decided to finally make a stand for myself and do just that. It's time to let go of my past and look to the future and to start working on more fulfilling short and long term goals.

I'm still thinking this through. I have a whirl of stuff going around my head. I don't know what I will do first, but there isone thing for sure: I am going to stop spending time on the computer on things that ultimately are not fulfilling. You might guess where this is going. I don't yet know. All I know is that the things that I have in mind will begin to take more of my time and computer time will be limited. Frankly, I want to limit it as much as I can. I waste so much time on this PC doing things that are not productive, that keep me away from a real life and I'm sick of it. Especially as my job is staring at a screen all day.

I am going to be making changes. I am reviewing my job and career and looking at re-skilling and doing something completely different. I don't yet know what that might be. Something creative, tactile probably. I will learn to swim. I will start exercising, yoga, whatever it takes. It all costs money, money I don't have, but that I can find if I stop spending cash on pointless rubbish I don't need. It's a lot to think about. I need to prioritise. Who knows what will be first, but I am going to make it happen. I have to. I can no longer sit back and let life pass me by as it is at an alarming rate.

Why am a sharing this here? What does it mean to you guys? I don't really know. Some obvious things to consider are management of these forums and my DM Codex project. The former: well, I hope someone else can take it on eventually. The latter: Honestly -- I simply have no enthusiasm for it any more. I simply can't be arsed with it. It's not important to me. I spent a fortune on buying up DM merchandise and for what? Nothing. It was pointless. I do not now know what will become of all that -- I will probably sell it along with most of my other games and also a large portion of my DVD and CD collections -- so that I can make some money to help pay off my debts quicker.

The outcome of this is that I will probably give the information I have to Christophe so that it can be integrated into the Enyclopedia in some form. I got really hung up on trying to do something unique. It doesn't matter. What's important is getting the information up there. Let's tlak about this Christophe at some point -- just not yet.

My sister just came in the room and I've not seen her for a few days (I share with her). I just told her about my thoughts and I got really emtional and had a cry. This is something I rarely do and is something I need to do more of. It's emtional and tiring but I'm loving that I can now begin to do it. I'm beginning to feel again after years of being closed and knotted and unemotional. I'm crying as I type this an I can hardly see the keyboard. forgive any typos. I need to do it, it's coming out and so much of my life has been closed away I want to set my self fre I want to live and I want to have a fulfilling and woirthwhile life where I give something back. I want to feel and feel, I want to love and be loved and I know I haven't done thisa for most of my life.

It's time. I am going to change. I do not know why i have written this intensely personal message to people I barely know and have never met. I guess it's just another form of therapy.

I don't expect anuything from you people. In fact I mgitb lock this thread. . Thanks for listening.
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Post by PaulH »

Hi Gambit

I think many people at all ages take a look at their lives, usually from a different perspective and realise that a change is needed. It is easy to get set in your ways and stuck in a rut and slowly become depressed. But what you have done by writing your thoughts down is take a huge step forward which at first will seem daunting and upsetting.

Getting out more, exercising and keeping fit is great for the body and soul. There is nothing better for me than getting on the bike and riding into the country. Spend 200 pounds on a bike and you'll never regret it! Yoga too as you suggested, and swimming are fantastic forms of leisure and keep fit.

If you are getting fed up with your job, then do move on. One thing I learned is that enjoying the work rather than earning large sums of money is most important. I worked as a bike mechanic for a pittance, but loved it. When I left Uni I earned 750 pounds per month and scraped by, but is was preferable to been stuck behind a desk. But we are all different, something else will be out there to suit you, but please ensure you find it.

I bet you are thinking 'why is someone 6 years my junior telling me all this?'. Well, I have had a few harsh years too and changes of lifestyle and had to pack in my beloved job due to illness. Ironically it is now my PC that kept me sane! Depression can manifest in many forms, and I have also seen counsellors and take anti-depressents. But I have a positive outlook and am determined to make the best of it.

I hope you continue to play DM. Good look mate,

Paul (The Snail)
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Post by George Gilbert »

Just a quick post to re-iterate what Paul's already mentioned - the most important thing is to do whatever makes you happy.

Whether it be in terms of your job or your spare time, it's better to be doing something you like than not. Sounds obvious, but so many people fail to spot it. If you enjoy DM, then great - if you don't, that's fine too!

To throw my bit of pop-psychology into the ring, I'd recommend doing a bit of everything in moderation. Try some stuff, see what you enjoy doing, and (because it will be lots of different things) do each of them at a level that suits you...

...most of all have fun.

George
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Post by cowsmanaut »

Wow, greetings!

Just figured I would pop up and say that while there are a number of users here who might not know you, there are those of us here who do and have a vested interest in your happiness. You have been our friend for many years and though I myself have not met you face to face. I've enjoyed your company in electronic form when I've had you in chat or email. So I hope to still see you from time to time. :)

As for changing up your life. I'd agree with George. It can be intoxicating to change up your life and a little scary. There can be a tendancy to do it all. However, being too eager to change it all too quickly can lead to feeling lost as nothing in your life is left familliar. Taper things off at a pace you can handle. Try not to do everything new all at once. I know, I jumped off the deep end and found myself surrounded by sharks :P Also, I know this should go without saying, but be sure you are doing things like this for yourself and not just for someone else. Often we can be willing to do things out of a fear of lonlieness that can eventually lead to resentment. If the change makes you happy, then you are doing the right thing. Just make sure.

Also, I just started to learn to drive. almost 33 years before taking on that. I don't feel ashamed at all about not having learned this skill. I am however enjoying learning it now :) Just wasn't the time for me untill now and that's fine.

as for the job, indeed.. be sure to do something you love. I've done enough soul stealing jobs that killed me internaly. Now what I do, I love.. it does have it's moments of stress too.. but ultimately I don't think I could give it up. If had my moments where my wages were piddly.. and now I make a decent living at it.

so.. best of luck to you.. hope to see you around from time to time. :)

cheers :)
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Post by Zyx »

Beautiful news!

I can't help sympathizing with you since your fight seems so familiar.
Many of us consider you as a friend and I'm one of them. I can only sum up my voice to the others to tell you I care about your struggle with life. You're a valuable person and I wish you to succeed in this new challenge. Don't ever allow yourself to drawback from these resolutions, because they're words to live by, which will lead you, ultimately, to good life. Cow's advice about doing it for yourself, not for someone else, holds a deep insight of what works and what doesn't on the long run.

cheers!
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Post by Gambit37 »

Wow, thanks so much guys. I have just read all your responses and it's made me really emotional again. The fact that this is making me cry again doesn't read well in text but believe me when I say this is an amazing experience I am having and one I thank you all for.

Paul, wisdom is not the preserve of the old. I know I can learn a lot from people much younger than me. This woman I met is 5 years younger and has lived 5 lifetimes more than me. I sincerely thank you for taking the time to write and share your thoughts -- I take heart from them.

George: I am yet to find what makes me happy -- that's why the next few years will be both interesting and difficult. I know it won't be easy, but you're right -- I have to try lots of things. Thank you for your thoughful words.

Adam: You know more about me than most and I thank you for your insights and advice. I certainly have no intention of doing too much too soon, but I have decided that the first stage is to start getting fit. I know from past experiences when I was fit, how much difference it makes to one's life. This coming week I am going to my first yoga session... hope I don't break anything!

Benjamin: Your words really hit home to me and have made me very emotional. I have never had much belief in myself and what you said -- indeed what you have all said -- is that I am as valuable as anyone else. I just need to start believing it. I am finally beginning to. And I certainly want to do these things for me -- just in case any of you thought I was doiung this to impress the new lady! ;-)

Lastly, I just wanted to say this: I think part of my problem in the past has been judging myself too harshly by the perceived standards of people around me and worrying about what they think. That's quite a difficult habit to break but it's one that I need to break to move on. I get embarrased easily and am very self-conscious. I want to break this habit and I can only do that by trying and maybe failing things and picking myself up and trying again. I am under no illusions this will be easy -- far from it. But I'm ready, at last.

I really do deeply appreciate all your words and thank you all for taking the time to share your thoughts and kindness. The world is a good place and you guys make it so.

And don't worry, I'm not going to totally disappear, just will be here less frequently.
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Post by Sophia »

Hi Gambit!

I don't have much to say that hasn't already been said... I've been there, too, and of course I wish you all the best. :)
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Post by Trantor »

Gambit, first of all, I want to say that you can be VERY proud of yourself - and in a certain way, I envy you. Your posts have made me very emotional because I know all too well how you feel. In fact, I almost feel like you described my very own situation. I can sympathize with you on so many levels it almost feels unreal. But unlike you, I haven't found the strength and energy yet to break out of this vicious circle. This is why I envy you - I envy you because of your discipline, your motivation and determination. It is really great to read about your decision. You give me hope.

I can only repeat the others - do what you can to make yourself happy! If that means less time for this forum, so be it! I will certainly miss you, but becoming happier, enjoying life more is so much more important. I really wish you all the best! And I hope to read about some positive changes for you in the future!
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Post by beowuuf »

Hey Matthew!

Looks like I picked the wrong time to go wandering! Really I can only reiterate what everyone else has said, but then why not : ) Us regulars on this board may only know of you and your life on the periphery, but it is still enough for some of us to consider you a friend, to be concerned when you've had the pitfalls and be happy when you have something like this to say! Even just in this medium, I've definitely seen a change in you recently, you haven't been letting little things here get to you as you have sometimes in the past! Plus you even joined us in flashchat - nice to see you in the flesh with everyone, as it were : )

I think change is good, epsecially what you are doing and why. I think the human brain is a strange organ though, so always, always make sure everything you do comes from a place of positivity. Don't hate anything about yourself from the past, as then any change becomes a mandated neccessity and you don't gain anything, merely feel let down if you don't meet it. Prioritising and letting go of things in the past is good, just let them go without baggage. Be happy with who you were (as you can see by the amount of posts people liked who you were) and then I'm sure you will find it easy to risk failing and will also get the full joy out of anything you achieve.

I thin kthe best advice I ever heard about risk was to never have all your emotional eggs in one basket (as cows said, don't change everything at once). If you have multiple sources of happiness (connections to family, connections to friends, connections to potential partner, work, personal improvement) then you can risk in one as you know you still have other sources.

Good luck, and I guess hopefully we won't hear from you as much (though you are allowed to pop passed from time to time and say hey!). You have given so much to the community, we are pretty obligated to you for it all, so from that at least hopefully you know you can just pop passed and say whatever and ask us for anything! And even more, hopefully you know you can of course let go of anything you have been doing here, since you have given so much!

Be happy and well!
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Post by Trantor »

Digging up this old thread because I had a conversation last night that reminded me of what Gambit wrote here. When I read your post almost a year ago Gambit, I was not only deeply moved, I actually had tears in my eyes because I saw so much of myself in there. Here is my story (Warning: LONG post ahead!).

As some of you may already know, I am unhappy with my life and more or less have been so since 2004. I could have finished my studies in early 2005, but since I didn't really know what to do with my life afterwards, I lazed around until early 2006. Since then, I have been unemployed, sitting at home and becoming more and more unsatisfied with life in general and myself in particular. I knew it couldn't go on like that, but doing anything to change the situation seemed even worse to me. I practically locked myself up in my room 24/7 and lost more and more contact with the "outworld". For those familiar with Pink Floyd, you could say I built a wall around me and didn't allow anyone to get through to me. I avoided talking to my parents as much as possible because I feared they would tell me to pull myself together (and they certainly - and rightfully - did). I knew they were right, but I could not muster the strength to actually stand up and do something.

I have never been exactly a "positive" person and never really had much self-esteem. But over the course of the last two years, I developed an even higher amount of negative feelings and attitudes. I stored all this negative energy inside myself and wouldn't let anyone touch it. People could tell me all they wanted about how nice or friendly or intelligent or whatever I am, I just completely blocked everything that is positive. Actually, I often knew that my friends were right, but I was just too stubborn to change my position. In a way, I enjoyed tearing myself to shreds; I was fishing for compliments, looking for acknowledgement that I longed to gain. I realized I was constantly annoying my friends with my whining, so I tried to stop it, but knowing I woud inevitably resort to whining anyway, I practically stopped talking to my friends. Even though I hadn't done much in life yet, I was sure that I had seen everything that was worth seeing. I just didn't see how life should become enjoyable as a whole again.

Being the overly-sensitive person that I am, I also tried to avoid everything that could potentially lead to harm. Because of that, I threw all hopes for a real love life to the wind, convinced that a) no woman would ever really want me anyway, and b) even if I had another girlfriend, the relationship would eventually end, leaving me with more sadness, grief and pain than I would have felt joy and happiness during the relationship (hope this makes sense). In short, I hid all my emotions and everything that is positive deep down inside myself and didn't want to ever let it see the light of day again. I knew I was wasting my life, but didn't have the strength to change anything. A German saying says "Hope is the last to die" - and my hope was dead.

Now, things are looking up in a way. I found a job in Berlin that I will start in March. For the first time in my life, I will have a full-time job, live alone and be forced to stand on my own two feet. I am afraid of the new situation, as I am always afraid of change, but I am sure it will be good for me. I will have to grow up and lead my own life, and I hope this will help me to gain a new, more positive perspective on life. Right now, I don't feel like I can change everything that currently goes wrong in my life, but I feel like I can scratch the tip of the iceberg. But even that tiny hope is a lot more strength than I had during the past two years. I don't know how my life will look like in the upcoming months, but I am sure it can't get any worse than it is now.

Thanks for reading.
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Post by Chaos-Shaman »

Things can get out of hand Gambit, but you had it right, only you can make the change, it's best to look more closely at what you do have, and build on that, and you are so right to say that you need only to look into yourself, not at others. I don't know you well but i do wish you a path of happiness
keep your gor coin handy
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Post by beowuuf »

Hey Trant, I guessed you were going through this but unfortunately also knew it wassomehtign you had to know yourself and had to act on yourself - I hope you know that all us regulars love having you around and enjoy your company, and wished and still wish you well

Yes, the moving and getting new job is scary, but any time I have had been negative 'i know this should be done but can't be bothered to do it' feelings, it is liek adifferent person when you invest some energy and do somehting - sudenly you cna get an energy you didn't think was 'you' and find pleasure in things - even just living day to day

Hope this job coming up and the move force you to interract with new people. You don't have to be the life and soul of a party to get a giood group around you, in a compnay there is usually someone bubbly already who does that, you just have to have the courage to go out of your way to include yourself if offers of nights out come along or even just social chats duirng work hours

Anywya, I hope it all comes together better, trust me you aren't stuck in any rut, I have the same feeligns myself and know from personal experience that no matter how negayive you are in your head when the positive switch flips you can fel just as oddly positive - so just push yourself that one time and enjoy the experiences!
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Post by Tom Hatfield »

I'm going through my own horde of problems right now. I lost my job two days ago. I'm having relationship issues with a relationship that might not even exist. I'm taking classes full-time and the work is piling up. I'm still fighting demons from my ancient past that are stirring yet again, and depression still has a stranglehold on my self-esteem.

And yet, somehow, the sun is still rising. I'm slowly, gradually learning that you get out of life what you're willing to put into it. I'm learning that people want to know you care before they care what you know. I'm learning that love can be the most powerful driving force we have, even stronger than fear, and that fear itself is an illusion. I'm learning that anxiety is temporary, but the choices you make right now will affect the rest of your life. And I'm learning that I'm really not so different from anyone else, and that makes it easier to relate to everyone.

I'm 29 years old, and I had my first date 15 months ago. I've never had a girlfriend at all. I've been afraid of rejection my entire life. I've been afraid of taking chances. Some of us are born with this fear, and we have a very hard time learning how to get around it. But learn we must, or else it's going to kill us.

My days are lonely, and I never feel like doing anything, but I am making a difference one tiny piece at a time, and I can feel myself growing. There will come a day when the ground gives way, and I reach out and touch the sunlight. I would hope all of us who haven't seen that day are heading in the right direction. The only way is up.

I keep a journal because I have so much on my mind, and I'm afraid to share it with people because my concerns seem superficial to me. I don't want anyone to resent my pathetic qualms and their inconsequential ramifications . . . but it is neither pathetic nor inconsequential if it makes you miserable. You talked to us because you need someone to listen, and we listened. That alone should tell you something profound.

You'll take your steps, and you'll get where you want to be. It'll take a while, so you'll sit back, take a breath, and enjoy the adventure. Every day you do something new is a day you've learned something important that will help with the rest of the choices you make.

I have a young lady to call.
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Post by beowuuf »

Wow, that's sounds encouragingly positive Tom - I can't believe that mindset won't get answered with better luck soon. Good luck!

In the end alot is luck in life, but it's amazing the small things you can do to turn probability hugely in your favour. Doing one activity more than you would giving you more opportunities than you thought, checking out one more website, making time to talk to a single person, etc.

Its also one of the most under-rated thigns in the world to realise that thngs don't change right up until they do...you can be jobless right until you find the perfect job, not be in a relationship right until you talk to someone. For some reason negative situations always feel they are permenant even though they are really as temporary as somehting good happening the next day, hour or minute. The more chances you give yourself for things to happen in,

And even then it doens't take that - I met my ex (still good friends so I don't count it as a loss) when I was feeling really blah, and just happened to log onto a forum because I was still awake at a stupid hour. Even without trying and in a blah place things still changed! Oh, I'm like tom in the whole barely dating/seeking relationships department, so it was a pretty extra-ordinary thing to meet someone like that!
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Post by Gambit37 »

Wow, I hadn't looked at this thread until today. Lots to say, but as I'm at work, I shall leave it for the weekend.
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Post by Relig »

I only have one thing to say. Check out "The Secret" at

http://www.thesecret.tv

It's really something. It has changed my life.

I've bought the DVD and the audio cd's which adds more to the DVD. It is really eye opening. Needs to be watched more than once to really get what they are saying.

Even Oprah loves it - had two shows about it on her show.
(OK, I watch Oprah now and again, but my wife is the one who really watches, honest) :wink:
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Post by PaulH »

You don't realise how important the small things in life are until they are taken away. I feel that has happened to me with my illness, but it sure as heck as made me realise a few things. I will be a changed man when I get through this. I see things differently now.
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Post by Sophia »

Oh, Paul.. it's been a while. Nice to see you around. :)
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Post by Gambit37 »

Hi all. Thought I would add to this thread again. I meant to do so a few weeks ago when Trantor resurrected it, but I was not in the frame of mind to follow it up. How typical of me! (Apologies if spacing goes weird, my space bar is playing up!)

I was moved by your post Tantor. It was quite strange reading it as it seemed like a mirror image of how I've seen myself for many years. I felt empathy reading it as your words are so close to how I have been feeling for many years. I too am not a very positive person and despite being very skilled in my job and highly regarded by my colleagues and friends, I've never really believed in myself. It seems you and I share the same basic problem. So I was inspired and relieved by your last paragraph that described your new job and your new aspirations to make changes in your life. I was also encouraged by your mature stance when you wrote:
Trantor wrote:I will have to grow up and lead my own life, and I hope this will help me to gain a new, more positive perspective on life. Right now, I don't feel like I can change everything that currently goes wrong in my life, but I feel like I can scratch the tip of the iceberg
You have all the power to change right there inside you -- we all do. Sometimes, it's hard to see it, but I believe you have the ability (with the right support) to make positive changes in your life.

Your post made me re-read what I wrote a year ago and I got angry with myself. I couldn't believe how little I actually achieved in that year. Indeed, it doesn't seem a year ago at all, and I'm amazed at how rapidly life is running away from me without anything getting better. Of course, that's because I'm not making any changes in my life. So how can I expect things to improve?

Last year was a weird one. I stopped sharing a flat with my sister in September and ended up living on my own again. I also finally stopped psychotherapy in December having been undertaking it on and off for the last five years. I felt fairly let down by my sister -- we are quite close, but not so much now. One of the reasons for her wanting me to move out was because her new boyfriend was moving in. She was so wrapped up in that, that she didn't really notice how rubbish I felt about my life. Anyway, I can't expect mircales.

When I moved out, I promised myself I would use the time on my own to sort my life out -- instead, I regressed again, basically staying home most of the time, becoming more distant from my friends and not making any effort to improve. I have been quite depressed again for the last few months and have felt rubbish. I hate my job, I hardly speak to anyone in the office and just feel in a rut.

In December, I went for an interview in London for a job at HSBC. Not an advertised role, it came through a friend of mine who works there and who had "sold me" as perfect for a new role they needed filling. I went for a second interview in January. The process took ages, but just a couple of weeks ago I had the final HR interview and they offered me the job. At that point, I had already decided that if it was offered, I would accept it and move to London for it -- in some kind of desperate bid to change everything about my life as a way of "reinvigorating" and "re-energising" myself to be more motivated.

Now, it's clear I have had several months to think about this job and I did a very good job of convincing myself of all the positive changes it would affect in my life. First, a LOT more money which would help me pay off my debts in 1.5 years rather than the FOUR it will take me on my current salary. I was also excited about moving to London, making new friends, trying new things and basically just thrilled at the idea of COMPLETELY changing my life. It also terrified me. I'll skip the ups and downs of thinking about the life change, but sufice to say in the last three months I have continually wavered between thinking it was a great move to thinking that I basically didn't really want the job after all. All very confusing.

Anyway, when I was offered the job, I accepted it verbally straightaway, though I didn't feel excited about it at all. I had to wait another week to receive the contract, which I got on Wednesday just gone (March 7th). Since reading that and after a talking to a close friend about it a week ago, I remained uncertain if I really wanted the job at all. Yes, there would be a lot of benefits to taking it, but I simply kept coming back to something that has been at the back of my mind all along: I simply was not excited about the role. I had spent so long waiting to hear about the job offer, that I had completely convinced myself that it would be a good move. But really, all I had convinced myself of was the benefits of everything OUTSIDE of the job, not the job itself.

I have been fully prepared, for at least the last 10 days, to hand in my notice on Monday 12th. However, this week has been horrible. I have had headaches every day, have felt incredibly stressed, have not been sleeping and have felt very confused about the job. In particular, receiving the contract to sign and the welcome pack really wound me up -- it was so massive with so many rules and regulations that I only noticed for the first time how badly I DON'T want to work for a bank! And then I remembered all the other issues I have with big corporates and how working for one doesn't really tie in with my own personal ethics or the work/life balance. For god's sake, one of the forms I could optionally choose to complete was to waive my right to be limited by a maximum of a 48 hour week. Like, duh, how many people would willingly sign that? :roll:

In the last day, I have decided finally NOT to take the job, and the relief is fantastic. The stress has gone. That tells me all I need to know.

I realised that the promise of a much higher salary was not enough to offset the fact that I actually don't want the job. I had thought that I might be able to set that aside, do the job and take the money, and improve my life by doing more outside. I know myself too well though, and if I'm not happy doing something, it'll be done badly, so it's really not an option. I don't want to start a job that I'm not actually excited about as I'll screw it up and be even worse off. I need to be honest with myself, need to be genuine and in fact I only told HSBC what they wanted to hear, rather than really thinking about WHAT DO I WANT?

However, the desire to make changes in my life has not abated. I DO want to move on. I have not yet decided what the next step is but I am considering studying or making proper efforts to find the job i really DO want. Life is too short to toil at something you're not into, and I now know that if I take the HSBC role, I will just be putting my life on hold again for another year and I'm simply not prepared to do that any longer.

So, watch this space!

(Sorry for such a long post -- I just needed to get this all out to help me clarify the last few months of my life!)
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Post by Tom Hatfield »

You won't be happy until you figure out where it is you want to be. Anxiety is your best indicator about where you shouldn't be going. If you feel depressed about something but not anxious, then you should probably cowboy up and give it a shot. When something stresses you out, it's time to step back and see the forest for the trees.

Last June I was invited to attend an interview for an IT job in Louisville, KY. I live in Elkhart, IN, which is about five, five and a half hours away. One of my best friends lined me up for the job. It would have solved pretty much all my financial problems and put me in a field where I could probably perform well. I didn't want it. I drove to Louisville because I knew I'd regret it if I refused. I knew I wasn't going to take the job even if they did offer it, because it was too far from home, and there are too many people here who are more important to me than security.
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Post by Gambit37 »

Tom Hatfield wrote:You won't be happy until you figure out where it is you want to be. Anxiety is your best indicator about where you shouldn't be going. If you feel depressed about something but not anxious, then you should probably cowboy up and give it a shot.
Yup, and that's exactly why neither my current job, nor the job I turned down, are where I want to be.
Tom Hatfield wrote:One of my best friends lined me up for the job. It would have solved pretty much all my financial problems and put me in a field where I could probably perform well. I didn't want it.
Spookily similar to my situation! :)
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Post by Gambit37 »

Tom Hatfield wrote:You won't be happy until you figure out where it is you want to be.
Absolutely. I never thought when I was younger that working this out would be so hard. :?
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Post by Gambit37 »

Tom, I am sorry I did not respond to your own post just after Trantor's. I have just re-read it and am impressed at the strength you are showing through intelligent insight and self belief. It sucks to lose a job and many of the other things you discussed are all challenges that I'm familiar with: depression is a key part of my problems and learning to rise above it has been a long and difficult process and one I still haven't solved.

You said "I'm slowly, gradually learning that you get out of life what you're willing to put into it." So true. rationally, I've known this for years, but somehow I still have not put myself into my life. The fear holds me back.

You also said "'m learning that love can be the most powerful driving force we have, even stronger than fear, and that fear itself is an illusion". I believe this tobe true also,but again, my entrenched lack of self-belief seems to prevent the love and allow the fear to grow.

I still don't know how to change this, but I think the key is to start small. Putting all my eggs in one basket by accepting a job I didn't want and moving away from everything I know simply would be too much.

I'm going to start by selling my junk on eBay -- something I first thought about three years ago!
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Post by Gambit37 »

Damn. My friend reacted rather badly to my news I wouldn't take the job. Unsurprising but I didn't really think he'd call me an idiot QUITE SO MUCH! :-(

Anyway, I ended up having a long chat with the boss man. Was quite good really and he listened to all my concerns. They really want me and are trying to persuade me to reconsider, though accept all my concerns and about the need to be honest with my self (and them). The money is good though. They have offered the possibility of a six month trial and if it's really not what I want then giving me the option to leave.

The bottom line is that I really don't know what I want at this point in my life. Yesterday, I was pretty sure NOT taking the job was the right course of action as it didn't feel right.

Do I stick to that belief or actually give it a go? Who knows, could turn out to be the best move I ever make, and I'll never know...

Damn, I'm confused! :shock:

I'm quite enjoying my forum monologue though! :)
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Post by Ameena »

If you can try it for a bit and see if you like it, and if you don't then drop it and go back to before and be no worse off, then I don't see why not just do that - if you don't like it, fair enough. If you do, cool :D.
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Post by Gambit37 »

Definitely wouldn't be able to -- or want to -- go back if it's not right. If that happened, I'd be in the position of looking for something different or changing anyway (re-training, etc)

The big temptation is still the fact that this job will enable me to clear my debts so much quicker.

Do I "sell out to the man"? :)
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Post by beowuuf »

It's risk versus reward. If there is too much risk (eg losing a nice flat, a comfortable job that isn't stressing you while you look for a new oneetc) versus the reward (a job you don't feel good about and ) then don't do it.

I think forcing yourself out of your comfort zone can be a very good thing, but there is no point in filling your life with alot of trivial difficulties in moving/working/socialising if it is draining and distracting you from figuring out fundamental issues.

When I talked to you it sounded like the new job/move thing could be good. It sounds like the build up to it then meant it turned out to not feel good.

Usually fear isn't so extreme of a new situation, if you had that much anxiety then it maybe was wrong. I was a little worried about moving down to Basingstoke and infact looking for work in the first place after just dumping my old job without a new one. However there was never an extreme reaction to the switch after I had decided on it, and things clicked even when they were scary at first.

I think at this stage you simply need to make a decision that you are comfrtable with, stick to it, and keep making one decision at a time. The job/move thing is sounding liek it is one step too far. You perhaps need to make the first decision of staying in the area or going. That sounds liek it fundamentally depends on a few thigns, for example deciding on talkign things out with your sister or not.

Anyway, these thigns are never easy, so good luck sorting through it, and of course jsut waffle on the forums for everyone's support, that's pretty much what they are here fopr now, DM tends to be a second alot of the time to saying hi to everyone we know and sharing fun and serious stuff! :D
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Post by Gambit37 »

Well, I can see it from so many angles all at once that it's simply too hard to make a simple decision anymore! It's just a job after all. And being able to clear my debts (while not a great reason to accept a job you're not sure about), is a useful side effect of the job.

Bottom line: I'm bored in my life, with my job, my home and my so-called friends. I need a change even if for it's own sake.

This job would enable (no, force) me to change things in my life, which may well be scary, but ultimately would be better for me. I've been in the comfort zone too long and it sucks.

I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I think I'm going to accept it.

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
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Post by beowuuf »

So you are back to where you were before? Good...I think

You going to have the same nerves about it though?
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Post by Lunever »

Well, if your choice was between a badly paid but highly likeable job and a well-paid much despised job, I'd say keep your old job. But since the choice rather seems to be a badly paid despised job and a well-paid despised job, I'd say take the better paid one, free yourself from your debts, have a change, take the positive side-effects along.
After all, that does not mean you can't later still look for for a job more to your liking; as you said - it's just a job, and probably not worse than your current one.
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