My crazy mum is at it again! And my family sucks.

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Gambit37
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My crazy mum is at it again! And my family sucks.

Post by Gambit37 »

(This is a personal and emotional post, I just need somewhere to vent as I have no-one to talk to right now.)

Some of my family are utter c***s. I'm ashamed to be related to them.

You might have gathered from previous rants that my mum is mentally ill (manic schizophrenic). As a family, we've been dealing with this as best we can for nearly 40 years. It has been extremely stressful and traumatising and has nearly destroyed our family several times.

It's coming to a head again now. My mum's 75 and trying to take control of all her assets again (what little there are), despite the fact she's irrational and will probably sell everything and end up on the street. As a family we can get Enduring Power of Attorney over her financial affairs to try and protect her from making stupid decisions. My eldest brother held a previous EPA for over ten years, before relinquishing control back to Mum a couple of years ago when she "fought" him in court for the right to control her own affairs.

We are having to now make the decision as a family whether to try and get EPA again. It is going to be very expensive and emotionally traumatising. So some of my siblings are now saying "enough is enough". They say they are too tired to do it again, they have their own problems, it will be too expensive and that their own Mum simply isn't worth the bother anymore. They say we should walk away and leave Mum to her "destiny". I can understand some of the thinking (we are indeed all very tired and stressed from dealing with Mum's craziness over and over again) But these views that Mum should be left to get on with it only really apply if my Mum is a normal, rational, capable person. But she ain't.

If we walk away, my Mum will very possibly sell her house, be unable to buy anywhere else, and will end up on the street. She is 75, has angina, is mentally ill, and does all sorts of bizarre things that put either herself, or other people, in danger.

The system has failed to protect her, because when the need arises, she can present very well. Each time something happens, the "authorities" assess her on just that incident (despite her near 40 year medical history showing all sorts of crazy behaviour). And as Mum is not stupid, and can be lucid and cunning when the need arises, we can no longer get her onto the drugs that help moderate her mania.

I have a lot of issues regarding my relationship with my Mum. I went through some horrible times growing up as a result of her craziness (and my dad being an alcoholic didn't help either). As an adult I've taken steps to try and fix myself from a lot of the emotional damage sustained as a kid. I'm getting there, but still not totally accepting or comfortable with myself. But despite all the history, I can't just walk away from my Mum; she is still my Mum at the end of the day, and as an unwell person, she needs to be helped and protected, even if that means doing things she doesn't want us to do.

Two of my siblings have said "Fuck it, we've had enough." I can understand it to a point. But what made me especially angry is one of my brother's who said we should leave her to it. He's 51, a crazy scientologist, and has recently semi-retired after selling his own business. He has the most money out of any of us and has never done anything for Mum over the years, regarding her illness, other than doing taxi rounds and buying the odd appliance for her home. He's never been involved in her care, he never really lived through any of her weird shit the way some of the rest of us did, and yet he's the one who's most strongly saying "leave her to it."

What a fucking arsehole. I can't believe I'm related to this guy. I just hope that my arguments to the rest of the family have some effect and they don't all start thinking like him. Whatever our personal feelings on the matter, I believe that ethically we have a duty of care for our Mum. I certainly would not want my children to walk away from me if I was my Mum right now. Its' true that her crazy behaviour has driven most of us away from her and made us resent her; nevertheless, I believe she still needs protecting and we should do what we can.

I just want all this to end in the best possible way. I don't think it can. I don't know what we can really do if she doesn't want us to help her. :-(

I hope you guys don't mind me posting this personal thread. I just needed to get it "out there" so to speak. I know that no-one here can help, but I would be curious to hear any perspectives that I have not considered.
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oh_brother
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Re: My crazy mum is at it again! And my family sucks.

Post by oh_brother »

This is a really terrible situation, there does not seem to be any painless route out. You can't just abandon your Mum, but even if your family were united would it be possible to get another EPA, considering the fact that she successfully fought the last one? I am not fully clear on one thing - if she fought the EPA a couple of years ago does she not have control over her own assets already?

My granny was extremely senile for a long time before she died, and could not be let on her own or given control of any assets. But that was much easier, because no one tried to give her the control that she could not handle (least of all herself) and she was not fully aware of the issues anyway.

Anyway I don't suppose anyone here can give technical advice (because people don't know and there is not an easy solution). But certainly it can help to have somewhere to vent and have people listen. I have to sign off now, but let us know how things are going. Good luck.
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Re: My crazy mum is at it again! And my family sucks.

Post by Adamo »

All I can say is "I hope things will go all right"; but it means nothing. Let`s just hope that her behaviour will loose its peak so that she start to take medicines. My ex-gf had very strong bipolar disorder, but she is constantly (over 14 years) on drugs and consults with the doctor every month, despite the hospitalizations (public care in UK is as f*** up as here in Poland). I`m not a medician, so I won`t give advices on that, but maybe there`s a way to stabilize her behaviour somehow.
Sorry to hear your brother being an idiot.. I just hope he wouldn`t be in need of other`s help some day.
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T0Mi
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Re: My crazy mum is at it again! And my family sucks.

Post by T0Mi »

There is no real advice that can be given here, so other than our best wishes and hopes people can be of little help about what you are going through right now.

Here is my lame attempt of advice anyway:
If she is behaving irrational, you probably can't reach her in a sane and rational way.
If you can't trick her into taking her meds again and "the talk" (with your brothers/sister trying to do the same) doesn't seem to work, then maybe the only way to help her is doing it irrational yourself. That is, if you are strong enough to actually deal with her struggling on top of your own, which from what I know, may be too much to take. Then indeed, the best, if not the only way of dealing with it is "leaving her be".
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Gambit37
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Re: My crazy mum is at it again! And my family sucks.

Post by Gambit37 »

Thanks guys. Yes, you're right, I know there's no advice you can give per se, but I appreciate the kind words.

We can't force her into taking meds. While that was possible back in the 70s and 80s, the system doesn't allow it anymore. If a person presents as being of sound mind, you can't force them to do anything. Something about human rights I believe.... Unfortunately, while Mum can present well when she's being assessed, in the long term she continues to behave irrationally.

@Oh_brother: Yes, indeed, Mum does in fact already have control of her assets, I was unclear there. We're discussing whether or not to try and get control back to stop her from doing something stupid: she's talking about selling her flat. Unfortunately, due to having no understanding of the market place, she cannot sell for what she paid for the current flat, and will be unable to buy anywhere else due to negative equity. That won't stop her from selling though because she simply does not have any understanding of the consequences of her actions. And then she will be on the street.
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Zyx
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Re: My crazy mum is at it again! And my family sucks.

Post by Zyx »

All I can say is: don't let this affect you negatively. Find a good compromise between your well being and the help you're wanting to give. You won't help anybody if the problem eats you.
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Re: My crazy mum is at it again! And my family sucks.

Post by ian_scho »

Whatever happens, give your mom a big hug at the end and tell her you love her.

p.s. You are not your mother. Don't use THAT excuse for not having children (there are a thousand more reasons, I know).
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T0Mi
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Re: My crazy mum is at it again! And my family sucks.

Post by T0Mi »

Growing up in direct neigbourhood to the largest psychiatric clinic in the south of Germany and doing 3 month of community service at that place, my views on this subject may be a bit "clinical". I have no idea what I would do if it was my mom, so I can just think of this in terms of a "patient".

As soon as someone is about to hurt him- or herself (or others), that vague line is crossed. A person who harms himself when not fixed to a bed, someone who has the urge need to write letters until the knuckles go sore, someone who does a kind of cleansing ritual in the local river. That last guy was a kind of local oddity around here, and I guess it does no harm to do ones morning wash this way, as long as it isn't done when it has freezing temperatures. At least so noone has to pull a half-dead body out of the river. Which in fact I had to do a few years ago. I well remember the EMP saying: "this one is ex", making a throat-slicing gesture at the same time. I guess it would have been better not to give him the right to get outside of the clinic that day.

In the end it's up to you, even a close friends' advice would still need you to decide: can -I- go through this (again)? Whatever your desicion may be: my hopes are with you. And with your mom.
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Re: My crazy mum is at it again! And my family sucks.

Post by Rasmus »

I myself have a brother that have been having some problems with the alcohol and drugs, so I know the feeling of just letting go after to much problems. Now he is on medication and are free from it, but now and then he takes up the bottle, and nothing good never comes out of it. I know that he is having a hard time and never mean to hurt anyone because he really is a nice guy, and therefore we are trying to help him as long as it takes to get him back on his feets, even if it is very hard sometimes. I must say here that my mom is the one that is the rock in my family.

I think here that as long as your mom can't help herself, she is in very much needs of her sons. And I think you are doing a good job trying to get rest of your family to understand this. But I can understand how hard it must be to try to help someone that don't want any help.

But I really hope that it works out for the best for your mom and your familly in the end..
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