Finding Happy
Posted: Mon May 19, 2014 6:03 pm
I was recently invited to write an article for a book called "The Business of Web Design", by one of the web-designer people that I follow on Twitter.
The brief was fairly loose within a few different categories. I chose to write in the "Experience" category. My effort is below. I wanted to share it here as
1) A lot of you know the struggles I've had over the years trying to find "my place" in the world, and this article serves as a summary catch up
2) If the guy writing the book doesn't like my article, I at least wanted to make sure *someone* would get to read it!
Note this is only a first draft so there may be errors, but I think it's generally OK.
"Finding happy"
==============================
As a child I was a creative geek. Unlike my friends, my interests did not stretch to the sports field and instead I spent my time drawing, building and reading books.
My father was a civil engineer and through his influence I learned to appreciate the beauty of buildings. I loved to build my own creations using my favourite toy, Lego. I spent happy hours building the thing on the front of the box, but many more hours building what I saw in my head: vast castles of weird proportions; strange buildings in gaudy colours. I dreamt of becoming an architect.
I also loved to lose myself in books, escaping to fantastic far off worlds. Tolkien, Le Guinn, Clarke, Heinlein: these authors captured my imagination and encouraged me to dream. As I dreamt, I wrote. I wrote crazy stories about silly things. At school, creating stories and being asked to read them in class was a special thrill. I dreamt of becoming a writer, following in the footsteps of those great names who had inspired me.
As I read my way through a vast catalogue of fantasy fiction, a new type of book appeared: one where you could be the hero. Four hundred paragraphs to read in the order you chose; a personal adventure that you could win or lose. Livingstone, Jackson, Morris, Dever: these new authors inspired me too, and now I dreamt of writing exciting gamebooks for kids like me.
Three dreams, three possible paths. I chose none of them.
When I was seventeen, my father died from alcoholism. My mother, who had been manic schizophrenic for a very long time, became increasingly disturbed. Our family had been collapsing for some time and it now felt like we were torn apart. Despite this -- or because of it -- my siblings and I managed to survive with strength and determination. I wanted to get started with my life and put the tough times behind me.
I was lucky: At 21 years old, I got my first real job at a local management training company in Brighton. I helped to develop training courses for people to work through on a computer. Sixteen colour VGA displays and everything delivered on floppy disk! It was fun and rewarding and over the next twenty years I developed a diverse digital skillset and a large portfolio. Since 1993 I’ve worked on over 150 projects in many different capacities. I’ve been lead developer on a major educational CD-ROM and lead designer on a suite of training packages. I’ve been the designer and front-end developer on over 70 web projects. I’ve also worked as information architect, project manager, accessibility consultant, IT support, WordPress developer and many more.
It’s a great feeling to know that I’ve helped build some great products, but there were downsides too. For every new skill I learned, for every new responsibility that I undertook, I became less satisfied. The more that I moved away from design-and-build, the less happy I became. My skills became too broad and diluted. I lost my focus and enthusiasm and employers didn’t know what to do with me.
Eventually I went freelance, which was fine for a while. But it wasn’t long before I lost my way again. I questioned my abilities and became very demotivated. I suffered debilitating depression. Somehow I managed to keep going and my clients were happy with what I produced, but I knew it fell short of my own high standards. My mental health became questionable. My relationship with my girlfriend became difficult. I stopped seeing my friends and family.
Yet there was still a hunger in me, a frustrated energy that crippled me. I felt that I should be doing something else with my life, but I didn’t know what. Perhaps freelancing wasn’t for me? I was spending too much time on my own, a common predictor for depression. I returned to full-time work so that I could work in a team again. But two different roles in two years didn’t bring the resolution I craved. One role was too diverse leaving me feeling overwhelmed, while the other was too focused which left me unfulfilled. I had also realised that web design had started to bore me. Maybe I needed to do something different?
It was chance that kick-started my ambition again. Perusing the Google Play store in 2012, I discovered a digital gamebook. I laughed. Really!? Such things were dead and buried, a product of their time. But upon consideration it made sense: tablets were perfect for that sort of gaming experience, something you could play easily without pencils or dice. I followed the new digital gamebook companies and realised I had all the skills to do the same: I could develop a gamebook app and write my own gamebooks. My dreams from half a lifetime ago came rushing back. I felt excited about a future I’d forgotten I wanted.
Of course, it would be too risky to give up my entire career on the chance that I might be successful with gamebooks. No, I would still need to use my existing skills to fund myself first. After a lot of thinking about how to keep an income while exploring the gamebook dream, I finally had a plan on how I might make it work.
There’s a lot of work ahead and it’s going to be difficult. But for the first time in a very long time, I’m in control of my life again and and I’m quietly optimistic for my future. It just took time and reflection to find the right path.
I guess there’s truth in those old clichés: “Follow your dreams” and “Do what makes you happy.” I know I’m finally on the path to finding my happy. Good luck with finding yours!
The brief was fairly loose within a few different categories. I chose to write in the "Experience" category. My effort is below. I wanted to share it here as
1) A lot of you know the struggles I've had over the years trying to find "my place" in the world, and this article serves as a summary catch up
2) If the guy writing the book doesn't like my article, I at least wanted to make sure *someone* would get to read it!
Note this is only a first draft so there may be errors, but I think it's generally OK.
"Finding happy"
==============================
As a child I was a creative geek. Unlike my friends, my interests did not stretch to the sports field and instead I spent my time drawing, building and reading books.
My father was a civil engineer and through his influence I learned to appreciate the beauty of buildings. I loved to build my own creations using my favourite toy, Lego. I spent happy hours building the thing on the front of the box, but many more hours building what I saw in my head: vast castles of weird proportions; strange buildings in gaudy colours. I dreamt of becoming an architect.
I also loved to lose myself in books, escaping to fantastic far off worlds. Tolkien, Le Guinn, Clarke, Heinlein: these authors captured my imagination and encouraged me to dream. As I dreamt, I wrote. I wrote crazy stories about silly things. At school, creating stories and being asked to read them in class was a special thrill. I dreamt of becoming a writer, following in the footsteps of those great names who had inspired me.
As I read my way through a vast catalogue of fantasy fiction, a new type of book appeared: one where you could be the hero. Four hundred paragraphs to read in the order you chose; a personal adventure that you could win or lose. Livingstone, Jackson, Morris, Dever: these new authors inspired me too, and now I dreamt of writing exciting gamebooks for kids like me.
Three dreams, three possible paths. I chose none of them.
When I was seventeen, my father died from alcoholism. My mother, who had been manic schizophrenic for a very long time, became increasingly disturbed. Our family had been collapsing for some time and it now felt like we were torn apart. Despite this -- or because of it -- my siblings and I managed to survive with strength and determination. I wanted to get started with my life and put the tough times behind me.
I was lucky: At 21 years old, I got my first real job at a local management training company in Brighton. I helped to develop training courses for people to work through on a computer. Sixteen colour VGA displays and everything delivered on floppy disk! It was fun and rewarding and over the next twenty years I developed a diverse digital skillset and a large portfolio. Since 1993 I’ve worked on over 150 projects in many different capacities. I’ve been lead developer on a major educational CD-ROM and lead designer on a suite of training packages. I’ve been the designer and front-end developer on over 70 web projects. I’ve also worked as information architect, project manager, accessibility consultant, IT support, WordPress developer and many more.
It’s a great feeling to know that I’ve helped build some great products, but there were downsides too. For every new skill I learned, for every new responsibility that I undertook, I became less satisfied. The more that I moved away from design-and-build, the less happy I became. My skills became too broad and diluted. I lost my focus and enthusiasm and employers didn’t know what to do with me.
Eventually I went freelance, which was fine for a while. But it wasn’t long before I lost my way again. I questioned my abilities and became very demotivated. I suffered debilitating depression. Somehow I managed to keep going and my clients were happy with what I produced, but I knew it fell short of my own high standards. My mental health became questionable. My relationship with my girlfriend became difficult. I stopped seeing my friends and family.
Yet there was still a hunger in me, a frustrated energy that crippled me. I felt that I should be doing something else with my life, but I didn’t know what. Perhaps freelancing wasn’t for me? I was spending too much time on my own, a common predictor for depression. I returned to full-time work so that I could work in a team again. But two different roles in two years didn’t bring the resolution I craved. One role was too diverse leaving me feeling overwhelmed, while the other was too focused which left me unfulfilled. I had also realised that web design had started to bore me. Maybe I needed to do something different?
It was chance that kick-started my ambition again. Perusing the Google Play store in 2012, I discovered a digital gamebook. I laughed. Really!? Such things were dead and buried, a product of their time. But upon consideration it made sense: tablets were perfect for that sort of gaming experience, something you could play easily without pencils or dice. I followed the new digital gamebook companies and realised I had all the skills to do the same: I could develop a gamebook app and write my own gamebooks. My dreams from half a lifetime ago came rushing back. I felt excited about a future I’d forgotten I wanted.
Of course, it would be too risky to give up my entire career on the chance that I might be successful with gamebooks. No, I would still need to use my existing skills to fund myself first. After a lot of thinking about how to keep an income while exploring the gamebook dream, I finally had a plan on how I might make it work.
There’s a lot of work ahead and it’s going to be difficult. But for the first time in a very long time, I’m in control of my life again and and I’m quietly optimistic for my future. It just took time and reflection to find the right path.
I guess there’s truth in those old clichés: “Follow your dreams” and “Do what makes you happy.” I know I’m finally on the path to finding my happy. Good luck with finding yours!
.
Here, on this forum, I wish proselytism to be banned.