joke Thread

PadTheMad · Post by **PadTheMad** » Mon Jan 31, 2005 1:38 am

That monk joke sparked another in my head:

A monk was copying the Holy texts just as every other day and decided to go back to the very first text and check their accuracy over the hundreds of years.
A few hours go by followed by a scream of sorts. The monk comes back, head in hands, really upset.
Another monk turns to him and asks what is wrong.
The upset monk looks up, opens his mouth and says: 'It says celebrate!'

___________________

Another joke but this one is blondest so look away now if you're offended by blonde jokes! lol

A blind man walks into a bar (not like that!) and sits down.
He orders a drink then asks the barmaid if she would like to hear a joke.
The barmaid replies 'Yes' and the man starts:
'There was this blonde woman...'
'Wait a minute!' the barmaid interrupts. 'Before you start let me tell you that I'm blonde, the other barmaid is blonde, the two ladies behind you are blonde and the lady sitting next to you is blonde - and she's a rugby player'.
'Bugger that!' exclaims the blind man,
'I'm not explaining it five times!'

Post by **Gambit37** » Mon Jan 31, 2005 2:07 am

A grasshopper walks in to a bar and orders a drink.
The barman looks at him, grins, says "We sell a drink named after you!"
So the grasshopper looks up in surprise and says "You sell a drink named Doug?"

http://www.drinksmixer.com/cat/315/

Post by **Gambit37** » Sun Mar 06, 2005 4:14 pm

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees the huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table,
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, Dad, you came home after 3 a.m. drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order? so clean?? I have a rose? and breakfast is on the table waiting for me???"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone lady! I'm married!"

Broken furniture -- $85.26

Hot Breakfast -- $4.20

Red Rose bud -- $3.00

Two Aspirins -- $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time -- Priceless

Post by **Gambit37** » Sun Mar 06, 2005 4:15 pm

Another blonde joke. Look away now if likely to offend:

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Post by **PaulH** » Sat Mar 12, 2005 2:38 pm

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with just a pencil.

copperman · Post by **copperman** » Sat Mar 12, 2005 5:20 pm

Q. How do you make holy water?
A. Boil the "hell" out of it.

From todays Gruaniad review.

Post by **PaulH** » Sat Mar 12, 2005 6:06 pm

I find typos amusing. Thats a classic, copperman! "Gruaniad" hehe

copperman · Post by **copperman** » Sat Mar 12, 2005 8:06 pm

got that one from my old man a while back. It refers to a period in the history of the Guardian when spelling and grammar errors were one of it's best known content features.

skaterboi666 · Post by **skaterboi666** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 3:58 pm

a man walks into a bar and says ouch lol

skaterboi666 · Post by **skaterboi666** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 3:59 pm

what did the blonde do when the barman sed the drinks are on the house

she climbed on the roof.

skaterboi666 · Post by **skaterboi666** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 4:00 pm

how do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree

wave to her

----------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?

Not everyone's been in a 747!

-----------------------------------------------

Why can't a blonde dial 911?

She can't find the eleven.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

skaterboi666 · Post by **skaterboi666** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 4:08 pm

mhuhahahahahahahahah

beowuuf · Post by **beowuuf** » Tue Dec 05, 2006 9:39 pm

Saw a variation of this one recently and wanted to share:

Four men were sitting around trying to make plans for the weekend, something exciting. The first one gives them some ideas but unfortunately has to work that weekend.
"You guys go, if you have any fun we can maybe do it next weekend," he says.

So the three others meet up at the weekend, first going to a shop for some supplies. A pet shop to be specific. An aviary to be very specific.

They drive out to a cliff overlooking the sea, and take out from the car what they bought.

"Ah well, here goes nothing," says the first man, and reaches into the birdcage he has for some budgerigars. He lets them grip onto his arms and legs, stands on the edge of the cliff, and jumps off. Not surprisingly, he plummets into the water far below, breaking both his legs. He manages to swim to the shore.

"What an idiot," says the second man. He procedes to go to his cage, and pulls out a group of chickens. He puts them onto his arms and his legs, stands on the edge of the cliff, and with a smile to his friend jumps off. Unsurprisingly he, too, plummets into the water far below, breaking both his arms. He manages to tread water and reach the shore.

"Idiots," says the third man, "tiny budgies and flightless chickens!" He goes to his cage, and pulls out a set of parrots. He puts them on his arms and legs, stands on the edge of the cliff, and jumps off.

The man plummets, but although it's a struggle, the parrots manage to start flying and he hovers in the air.

"How you going to get down then smarty pants?" asks the man's friends.

"That's why I picked this one!" he says, pulling a gun from his pocket. He proceeds by shooting all the birds. Unfortunately, he can't reach the ones on his gun arm. So he starts plummeting again, but the remaining parrots are pulling him towards the shore. He falls on the hard ground, breaking both arms and legs.

So, on Monday the original friend hears his other friends are in hospital and goes to see them.

"That was the opposite of fun!" they all say to him, and recount what happened.

The original friend just gives them all a look one by one, shaking his head. "You deaf morons," he says, "I said BUNGEE jumping, HANDgliding and PARAchuting"

PadTheMad · Post by **PadTheMad** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 12:55 am

Haha, made me chuckle, which outweighed the sigh! (and man, this is an OLD thread

)

Mindstone · Post by **Mindstone** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 3:50 pm

(In strong northern accent) I'll tell ya a bleeding joke, Londons public transport, y'know what I mean, eh well do ya ye fething saft suth'n bastads

As you can probably tell my "joke" was influenced by the influx of modern British stand up comedians, who eschew witty observations and satire, and instead "have a funny voice" which makes people "have a bit of a laff".

Post by **cowsmanaut** » Sun Sep 09, 2007 12:09 pm

A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as the couple starts out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty in their absence, explains to the taxi driver: “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Tom Hatfield · Post by **Tom Hatfield** » Sun Sep 09, 2007 7:26 pm

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are all staying at the same hotel. That night, the hotel catches fire.

The engineer wakes up, smells smoke, leaps out of bed, and drenches the entire room in water. All his possessions are soaking wet, but at least he's safe.

The physicist wakes up, smells smoke, grabs a pencil and some paper, does some calculations, runs into the bathroom and fills a glass with water, and pours the water on the exact spot to douse all the flames.

The mathematician wakes up, smells smoke, runs into the bathroom, fills a glass with water, lights a match, and douses the match in the water. Seeing that the match went out, he proclaims, "Ah! A solution exists!" and goes back to bed.

Post by **Gambit37** » Sun Sep 09, 2007 8:25 pm

Shouldn't the last two be swapped around?

Tom Hatfield · Post by **Tom Hatfield** » Mon Sep 10, 2007 5:34 am

I guess it depends on whether you're a physicist or a mathematician. I would say, nope.

Post by **Gambit37** » Mon Sep 10, 2007 10:00 am

Very interesting. I was going on the wording and my (clearly limited) understanding of the two disciplines.

Parallax · Post by **Parallax** » Mon Sep 10, 2007 4:39 pm

A biologist, a physisist and a mathematician are having a drink at a terrace. They see two people enter a nearby house. A while later, three come out.

"They reproduced," the biologist says.

"The measurements weren't accurate enough," the physisist says.

"Now, if a single person goes in," the mathematician says, "the house will be empty again."