Dungeon Master Forum

"Shhh! Someone's unblocking the tunnel" said Chani, stopping suddenly and being bumped into roughly by the men who had all been looking at her bottom.

The monster moved boulder after boulder in a frenzy, knowing its prey was close - fresh air to combat the violent flatulence it had woken up with.

"What is it?" whispered Gothmog cautiously, while behind him Halk was drawing his sword and being rather surprised on discovering it was in fact a rubber chicken.

'If Mr Chips is here, what have I left my nephew thumping the cat with?' asked Halk to himself, as his eyes started to water wit hthe almost corrosive air emerging from the crack.

He hefted the fake poultry from hand to hand, weighing up it's relative maiming capability as Zed readied himself and Chani and Gothmog prepared their spells.

Gothmog was torn between the spells 'Terrifying Feet' and 'Small Surprising Poultry Poppage' but had to settle with 'Fireball' simply because he could remember the runes to that one, while Chani had been distracted by her need for a kebab and was trying to remember which runes created a good Mutton Vindaloo.

Dithering for a fraction too long was fatal: with great speed, the unseen enemy burst from behind the remaining boulders, deftly picked up Chani and Zed and in a movement faster than anyone thought possible, popped them both in it's gigantic...

...shopping bag. Yes, it had managed to get away with last minute Christmas shopping and the missus would be none the wiser - she'd always wanted a nice pair of...

adventurous slippers. These two specimens would be perfect once they were boiled, baked, scooped out, cured and cut into fluffy bunny shapes.

Halk yelled at Gothmog to cast his spell quickly, but Gothmog had deceided to go to the bathroom in the nearest available place, which ended up being his cloak of midnight.

"Stop pissing about, you ferret lover!" screamed Chani, her head just visible above the rim of the shopping bag.

"Pissing? Naw, this is piss, right here!" bellowed Stamm, hurling the damp, unpleasant-smelling undergarment at the somewhat-surprised head of the bunny-slipper-maker.

The monster looked shocked, tearful that the thoughtful creatures below it had made its favourite dessert, and it decided to buy the missus some ewok-skinned slippers instead and dropped the adventurer shopping bag.

Chani and Zed tumbled from the oversized carrier and crashed into Gothmog and Halk, which was unfortunate as Gothmog had not yet finished emptying his terrified bladder.

The monster decided that two boulders may make a nice pair of ear-rings and with a mighty leap left the well in search of the jewellers - the crack entrance was now unguarded!

"Phew!" said Gothmog, both in relief that the monster had left and the relief of an empty bladder.

Mophus bounded over ready to use his super-power grin to frighten the monster, but was denied by its demure departure, and instead was forced to ask, "so, shall we inspect the intriguing ingress"

Behind him followed Daroou who had been strangely quiet but now was muttering to himself: "Rant, rant, rant or rave, that is the question!"

In a sudden spur of nostalgia Hisssa stated "You know, I sure miss my gammy, when she was young and saucy, my gam bit 37 times the tail of a demon ocelot!"

"Yeah," mused Daroou, "my gammy was the same, but easily embarrassed too, she'd happily slurp her ocelot soup but if she burped she'd go bright crimson - goes t' show you never can tell..."

Mophus coughed to get the bizarrely divided attention of the fragmented group: "ANYWAY, now that weirdo has sodded off, we can investigate where this path goes -- it's taken us a ton of prose to get here!"

Mophus bravely stuck his head out of the end of the now unblocked tunnel to see a room with a hamster chained to the wall by all four limbs at one end, and a portcullis with a mummy and wall switch behind at the other.

"I knew that sick bastard was felching hamsters" exclaimed Daroou stuffing his head past Mophus and reached around to help the little thing out "here you go fuzzy little buddy, now you no longer need to fear any large cracks either"

"Well, you don't see that ever day," Mophus said to Leyla, gesturing for her to come over, "look - a mummy!"

The Fuzzy Buddy, releived to be freed, wanted to help out so made a beeline towards the portcullis, to which he might just fit through.

"That bastard better not have killed my Felicia!" said Gothmog hotly of the mummy, "or else it's fireball city, and I'm the urine-soaked mayor!"

The mummy was in fact an Egyptian Kings's chief nasal hair dresser and was instructed by the High Priest of Horus not to move from it's post, except for monsters on Christmas shopping trips.

The well dwellers tried to funnel in to the crack to see what all the excitement was, and of course to work out what on early all that oil had been used for

They would burst into the room to see a hamster heroically squeezing through the portcullis, dodging the mummy with a well executed side roll, scurrying up the wall and clinging onto the wall switch which moved an inch and then stopped - rusted!

"Ooooooooooh," said Nabi, "this reminds me of a badger related spell... 'Summon Badger of Infinte De-rustificationisementnessism' - I'm sure Boris knew it!"