Dungeon Master Forum

Decided to add a thread for those funny emails you get in your inbox. I get jokes, and stories in there that are sometimes worth passing on. So long as it's not chain letters.. hate those.. even the funny ones

so lets' start with the Blonde year in review!:

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...
Helllloooo!!
The bottles won't fit in printer!

March
Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...the box
said '2-4 years!'


April
Trapped on escalator for hours....
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid... wrong instructions... 8 cups of Water won't
fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition... learned later the other
swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm... car swamped because
convertible top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'... isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's... they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days... instructions said 1 hour per pound and
I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911... 'duh'... there's no 'eleven' button on the
stupid phone!!!

A Modern Parable

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motors)

decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior rxecutives was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly, the End.

Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads, and collecting bonuses...

IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY

This one's future warning for you George

Only A Mom Would Know

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2½ years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little "tea set" as a get-well gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of
"tea", which was just water.

After several cups of "tea" and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mom came home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of "tea", because it was just the cutest thing! My mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a "cup of tea" for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says (as only a mother would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.The teacher said,"Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said

'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:

'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!' Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class,

you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper:
'**** the Indians'

''Who said that?" she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks

'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh ****, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, Stéphane Dion to the Liberal Caucus, October, 2008".

Quote for the day:

'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her crap.......

you will receive more sh_ _ than any one human being can handle.

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new
doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told
her she was pregnant.




She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After
listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.




Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years
old, has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her
she was pregnant??!!




The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up
said.
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Nah cows - it's surely the young doctor who stopped her and the old one with the clipboard

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced."Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice,"thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum ."

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting

on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog

and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina

and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.

It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great

stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed

any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.

Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time

you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this but me.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didn ae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"

got this one in french, so I translated and I'm giving both

QUI ÉTAIT JÉSUS ...?

Who is Jesus?


>
> Les derniers développements des enquêtes et des études menées durant de
> longues années permettent maintenant d'affirmer que Jésus était un
> publicitaire tsigane juif de couleur noire, d'origine italienne habitant
> la Californie !

The latest discoveries made through investigation and many long years of study have finally come to the conclusion that Jesus was an advertising gypsy jew, who was black, with itallian origins, and lived in california.


>
> Voici comment l'enquête en est arrivée à ces conclusions incontournables :

Here's how they came to such a conclusion:


>
> Il y a 3 bonnes raisons de penser que Jésus était Noir :
> 1) Il appelait tout le monde 'mon frère'
> 2) Il aimait chanter la gloire de Dieu
> 3) Il n'a pas eu un procès équitable…

There are 3 good reasons to think Jesus was black
1) He called every one "my brother"
2) I loved to sing the glory of god
3) He never had a fair trial


>
> Il y a 3 bonnes raisons de penser que Jésus était Juif :
> 1) Il a repris l'affaire de son père
> 2) Il est resté à la maison jusqu'à l'âge de 33 ans
> 3) Il était sûr que sa mère était vierge, et sa mère était sûre qu'il
> était Dieu

There are 3 good reasons to think Jesus was a jew
1) He took on his fathers bussiness
2) He lived at home until the age 33
3) He was certain his mother was a virgin, and she was certain he was a god


>
> Il y a 3 bonnes raisons de penser que Jésus était Italien :
> 1) Il parlait avec les mains
> 2) Il buvait du vin à tous les repas
> 3) Il mangeait exclusivement de la cuisine à l'huile d'olive

There are 3 good reasons to think Jesus had itallian origins:
1) He talked with his hands
2) He had wine with every meal
3) He exclusively ate meals with olive oil


>
> Il y a 3 bonnes raisons de penser que Jésus était Californien :
> 1) Il avait les cheveux longs et il était toujours bronzé
> 2) Il aimait marcher pieds=2 0nus
> 3) Il a lancé une nouvelle religion

There are 3 good reasons to thin Jesus was Californian
1) He had long hair and a good Tan
2) He loved to walk bare foot
3) He launched a new religion


>
> Il y a 3 bonnes raisons de penser que Jésus était Tsigane :
> 1) Il n'a jamais travaillé un seul jour
> 2) Il n'a jamais écrit une seule ligne
> 3) La police l'a arrêté dans un jardin public où il campait sans
> autorisation

There are 3 good reasons to thing Jesus was a gypsy:
1) He never worked a single day of his life
2) He never wrote a single line
3) The police arrested him illegally camping in a public garden


>
> Il y a enfin 3 bonnes raisons de penser que Jésus était un publicitaire :
> 1) La bible est n°1 au hit-parade depuis sa parution
> 2) Ses successeurs ont créé un paradis fiscal à Rome
> 3) Après 2000 ans de réflexion, personne n'est encore sûr d'avoir
> compris ce qu'il a dit...

Lastly, there are 3 good reasons to think Jesus was a salesman:
1) The Bible is the number 1 hit since first print
2) His sucessors built a paradise in Rome
3)After 2000 years of reflection, nor one still has any idea what he was talking about.

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided
To amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged Friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came
over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall
stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are
the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made
passionate love all night long.


The Mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels
and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat
He didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and
We had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my Story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

Spoiler

"What's for Dinner, Batman?