Dungeon Master Forum

In honour of Talk Like a pirate day, I started an insult swordfight on another forum, but would love to have one here too. Yaar.

Respond with a witty retort, then give a new insult!


You have the breath of a day dead dog!

I wouldn't know, I don't kiss dead dogs!

Your existence, on the otherhand, is like a broken pencil: pointless!

An adequate implement to record the tales of your exploits!


Never in my days have I seen a more worthless swordsman!

(OOC: I'm not funny enough for these kinds of things, but will try! Forgive me if I resort to Blackadder quotes!)

You clearly have never looked in a mirror!

You have the wit and sophistication of a festering boil on an Orc's behind.

If I wanted to listen to an arse I'd have farted.

Now go and comb the hair on the palms of your hands.

I'll do it with your teeth.

Could you stand downwind? Even my dog couldn't breath here.

Poor dog. Having to be around you should be considered cruelty to animals!

Go do something worthwhile with your life, like end it.

After seeing the world's ugliest pirate, what more could one live for?

The stench of fear is as strong on you as your other bodily odours!

Your life will be ending very soon, varmint!

And let me help you get there quicker; you are, after all, a waste of skin.

(aargh, double post, Christmas story rules? Must I edit my retort?)

EDIT: Aaaargh, IGNORE IT, I was replying to Sophia! Damn you, BW, you and your ideas!

OK, but first I'll train it on you!

Do you have any messages for your old poor parents? They'll be very sad when I tell them that their only child is dead!

A triple post and not a single good insult between all of you! Pathetic!

(Don't bother, I've got this one )

(Erm... where are we!?)

My last visit to the latrines created an opponent more worthy than you!

And let me help you get there quicker; you are, after all, a waste of skin.

Why thank you, rolling there using your stretch-skinned bulbousness is just the ticket

Do you have any messages for your old poor parents? They'll be very sad when I tell them that their only child is dead!

Adoption is nothing to be joked aboutt. And please give your mother my... warmest... regards.

A triple post and not a single good insult between all of you!

No, you get three times for the price of one. Which reminds me, please give your mother my warmest regards.



I've vomited things that are more challenging than you!

Gambit37 wrote:(Erm... where are we!?)

Confused? I think somene has a double insult to counter - bonus points for using the same retort to counter both!

Your mum!

(Ok, can we start again please, I'm lost!)

I've vomited things that are more challenging than you! My last visit to the latrines created an opponent more worthy than you!

(there we go)

(One of those was mine! Now you've *really* confused me!)

Your mum is a carpenter's dream - flat as a board and so easy to nail.

beowuuf wrote:I've vomited things that are more challenging than you!

But I don't understand why did you put them on your face.

Give up! You can't win a fight with the best sword-master of the Caribbean - even if you could use a sword.

PS This is getting absolutely insane. I think we need some rules. Or we have to make BW tired.

EDIT: WE DO NEED SOME RULES.

(No rules! It's half the fun!)

I've seen a seamstress flash a more effective blade than you!

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!

(I posted the two 'loose' insults that needed answered, hence why one was Gambit's! We'd used similar ones anyway. I'm not sure why Gambit added another insult. The rules shold be you answer any unanswered insults, and create one of your own. So it doens't matter if you post an equally funny line. Perhaps you can quote the insult you answerto make it clearer which insults remain unanswered.

This keyboard is horrible for typng. as you were all! )

(Thought we were just trying to retort the person above us? OK, new rules make sense)

Confused? Your confusion betrays your obvious lack of intellectual fortitude!
I know you were lying because it implies you can use a latrine without soiling yourself.

All of you should go do something more suited to your own capabilities, like... well, except for failing horribly, I don't know what you're actually capable of!

Gambit37 wrote:I've seen a seamstress flash a more effective blade than you!

That wasn't a seamstress, and no amount of money could have bought you her favour!

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!

Your mother smelled a hamster, and your father IS an elderberry!

Jan wrote:Give up! You can't win a fight with the best sword-master of the Caribbean - even if you could use a sword.

Thank goodness he isn't here, I can practise on a wretch like you!

Your mum is a carpenter's dream - flat as a board and so easy to nail.

Your mother is a carpenter's nightmare, knotted, pitted and riddled with termites


I shall send you down to Davey Jones's locker!

Gambit37 wrote:Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!

No - I'm not your brother.

Fortunately, you're spineless - so I won't blunt my sword.

Sophia wrote:All of you should go do something more suited to your own capabilities, like... well, except for failing horribly, I don't know what you're actually capable of!

It's hard to recognise skills unless you posses them yourself


(no insult, there are enough around just now!)

Your mother is a carpenter's nightmare, knotted, pitted and riddled with termites

While your mother *is* a termite, you odious little bug!

I shall send you down to Davey Jones's locker!

Does he need someone else to bum? I thought you were enough for him?

Fortunately, you're spineless - so I won't blunt my sword.

Your sworsdmanship is as effective as a catflap in an elephant house

It's hard to recognise skills unless you posses them yourself

You're about as skilled as a man with no legs or arms...

...which is what you'll end up with when I've finished dicing you!

(and we're back in the flow!)

beowuuf wrote:I shall send you down to Davey Jones's locker!

How are you going to do it without your head?

I think you should wear underpants on your behind, and not a hat and an eye-patch.

(or maybe not!)

I think you should wear underpants on your behind, and not a hat and an eye-patch.

At least I don't need my mummy to put me in a diaper every day.

You're so dumb, your head is emptier than a hermit's address book!

Gambit37 wrote:Your so dumb, your head is emptier than a hermit's address book!

OK, now let's check what's in your head!

I think you should have stayed with your previous job - I wouldn't kill a school janitor.