Flat sharing

[Gambit37]

Now I'm living in London, I'm in a flat share with two people: let's call them Sarah and Peter. Sarah is the owner of the flat and the live in landlady. Peter is the other lodger.

I'm not used to sharing with people, having lived mainly on my own. I've previously shared with my sister twice and while it was generally OK, it was never 100% comfortable for me. I'm a bit of a solitary person, I like my space and I like things done 'just so' -- but I am laid back and intelligent enough to tolerate and compromise.

I have a problem with the overall cleanliness of the flat and in particular the lazy attitude of Peter towards keeping the place clean.

I have spoken to Sarah about the poor cleanliness of the flat. We all seem to do enough to keep it ticking over, except for Peter who is 30 years old yet seems to treat the place like a child would: expecting things to be magically clean all the time without lifting a finger himself. Sarah knows it's a problem and apparently they have argued about it before but she is resigned to that fact that Peter won't do something if you specifically tell him to. She's not the cleanest person herself either...

I haven't yet spoken to Peter about this because he's walked away in the middle of conversations over other tricky subjects. Several times now I have done his washing up because I have needed the dishes that he dirtied and often they are left for a day at a time, sometimes more. He's never acknowledged when I've done it, or said thank you.

For example, I came home on the Monday after Glastonbury and the sink was completely full and clearly it had been there for at least a day. I left it as long as possible but ended up having to do it as the mess offended me -- just as he turned up home from work. With my hands in the sink, I said to him "Do you know who's washing up this is?" and he said "Yes, it's mine" and walked out of the room to his bedroom and I didn't see him for the rest of the evening! I might not have minded had he said "Yes, it's mine, sorry I left it, I was tired yesterday, I'll do it in a minute, just going to get changed" or something, but no --he's very odd like that!

I need to talk to him and/or both of them together about this because it's really p*ssing me off. The additional problem is that I think Peter is a little OCD which could well mean any conversation is a bit pointless. But it's really beginning to wind me up and making it unpleasant for me to live here because my standards are higher than theirs and I don't see why I should have to do more than my fair share of house work just because I prefer a cleaner home than them.

I'm usually pretty good at dealing with situations amicably and tactfully, but for some reason this one seems hard to broach. Any one been through this and have any tips on how to deal with an awkward housemate who's not pulling their weight?

[Ameena]

If they're leaving a mess everywhere or something, can't you put it all in their room and if they complain, say "Well, it's yours so I thought it was supposed to go in your room" or something...rather than cluttering up other people's space. It'd piss me off too if someone was like that - I'm not a total clean freak myself but I do at least tidy up after myself, do my own washing up etc.

[beowuuf]

Since the two of us househsaring with our landlady are both stay in room or be out types who don't really use the hosue too much, and she had more time at the start of her college tutring job, she ended up doing alot of the small bits of housework.

We ended up getting a rota, which splti the tasks each week. It seems to work ok

Perhaps you should also stop havng communal cooking stuff and plates - at least, the most common ones. If he wants to leave stuff to get gross, he can do it - but it's left in his room and he's not getting to use anyone elses.

Similarly, if rats or anything else happens, all the time and money that needs invested to get rid of them will be him - ie all the cleaning up and disinfecting he is avoiding now, and all the staying home for exterminators or buying stuff is hisrepsonsibility if he ends up attractign them.


Dunno though, really, when people have different priorities it can be hard. Your housemate is too far on the side of inconsiderate i nthis instance.

In the reverse, if there was omeone who isnisted every inch of floor be vaccuumed every two or three days and everything dusted every day, I'd move or kick them out - life's too short and free time (especially creative free time) hard to come by with stressful work without wasting it doing repatative maintenance jobs over-frequently.

[Gambit37]

Well, when you put it like that, he's actually not that bad! It's not rat inducing uncleanliness!

I dunno, I guess it's more to do with the fact I don't really like him that much despite my initially thinking he was very nice. And also that I have simply lived on my own far too long -- I'm an old dog who can't learn new tricks!

[beowuuf]

Nah, little niggles like that still can be huge -especially when it is your time and effort and brainpower getting drained.

So it is him who has to learn to adjust a little!

[Sophia]

Some people have a higher tolerance for mess than others, and where some people will be driven crazy others won't mind. If people who have difference tolerance levels are put together, the person who likes things the cleanest is probably going to have to either do more work, find new housemates, or put up with it.

However, I'm speaking mostly of a bit of clutter, or the like-- the guy not washing his own dishes or whatever is just nasty. I'm with Ameena, dump them in his room.

[cowsmanaut]

did that before.. a past flatmate didn't do dishes, and the moment I did them, would run to the supermarket and come back and cook.. No joke. He would hear me do them, and when the water stopped off he would go to the store.. PISSED ME OFF.. so, eventually I gave up and didn't do any dishes.. 2 weeks passed and he didn't do them... so I put them on the balcony.. mainly ate take out, or if I did dishes it was a few of my own and kept them out of his reach and yelled at him once or twice about cleaning up... suffice to say.. they stayed on the balcony dirty for a couple months and I moved out...

it get's worse from there.. but I'm not so sure anyone wants to hear the rest

[Gambit37]

Sheesh, now that is just nasty! I live in a palace comparatively!

[TheMormegil]

I once lived in a house with five other boys.
I don't mind a bit of a mess, but they were filthy.
The way it worked was that all the dishes would always be dirty and
all over the place. If you wanted to use something you cleaned it first and left it dirty. That is, of course, more work because the dirt had always become
caked onto the dishes by the time you used something.

Your situation is not an easy one to change without becoming openly hostile
with the other guy. You cannot discuss it with him and if you took the option of dumping his dirty dishes in his room, I expect he would like it even less.
Really it is up to the live in land lady to sort it out. She owns the place so
she should set the standards. Maybe you could say to her that you will
have to think about moving out if the situation doesn't improve.
She has the choice then of getting the other guy to improve or losing money.

[ian_scho]

.. so, eventually I gave up and didn't do any dishes.. 2 weeks passed and he didn't do them... so I put them on the balcony..

Yep, been there, done that.
We had a cardboard box in the kitchen (which was originally packaging for nappies, I think), and all of the guys dirty dishes went in there. Fortunately the guy had 'character' and would at least take on board your agrievances.

[zoom]

Gambit, I cannot give you any real hints on that one.
It is a difficult matter to resolve but it is not uncommon.

I don´t believe in Peter to change, even if you talk to him.
Why should he now, if he didn´t in the first place?
He needs insight and then a will to keep the flat tidy or some kind of pressure, which you or even maybe Sarah cannot put onto him.

Fact is , that the kitchen is a place , like the bathroom everyone must use. It is only adequate for everyone to keep it tidy as much as possible. That is reasonable,polite and should be given from the education of parents to the people.
Opinions on tidyness differ.
Some say it´s ok to leave the dishes a day (effectively two).
They try to convince themselves if they even bother , that this may work out. But it clearly doesn´t. Not if you three do not eat together. There will be one, on a daily basis , who might want to use the dishes in between the one day period.
I cannot say how critical the situation is, whether Peter does , on occasion clean his dishes or not..
You should talk definitely about it. Hear what the others think about the dish issue. How tidy or dirty do they want to live and how dirty is it at the moment? Is it ok for them the way it is? What do they want-if anything- to change .. where is some insight.etc.
Listen to them. Do they realise it?
Do they listen to you? You will notice if they say yes yes and keep not improving or bothering.
In short : your options are :ignore/cancel/retry

Maybe you could split up work: Peter gets the garbage outside, you clean the dishes, Sahrah looks after the bathroom.
I don´t know, how chances are, if you moved to a different flat, whether or not the situation would be similar. You could change a bit towards tolerance (how much??)but only if they show some moving themselves(I will try i am sorry.. or he admits: I just can´t !)
Could be that he has problems and it is a partial thing, but a confrontation of this would be in order, especially if it goes on your nerves already. If you cannot talk about that crap with them, it is senseless. Hope this helped...

[Gambit37]

Well, I don't have to worry about such issues for much longer: I'm moving out in a month or so into a new 2 bedroom place where I can get my own office and work properly from home. Yay!!!

[cowsmanaut]

congrats.. it's worth the extra cash in my opinion... much better than the stress of living with people you can't stand

[Chaos-Shaman]

Hey everyone. Those dishes, bahh, they can be a piss off.
I found an effective way to deal with them. Everytime I found hardened dirty dishes, I took the dishes and hid them, leaving myself my own set hidden. Adventualy they started washing out one because they only had one. It worked, once they realized how hard it is to deal with dry hardened food it woke them up. This method works if you have the patience.

[Gambit37]

Life's too short for all that. Either you talk to people and hope they change or create a new, better situation for yourself.

In my case I talked and it made little difference. So I'm moving out. But it wasn't the washing up that drove me; no, I need more space now that I'm working from home.

[Chaos-Shaman]

I most certainly did the talking first, for years and years, haha, but it made no difference. yeah, having space is wonderful. When I moved into my own house, I felt so excited, with all these rooms. The basement was bigger than the last place I lived, so I felt relieved. Good luck Gambit on your move.