Replies to Amena's DM story thread

[Gambit37]

This is the thread for replies to this story thread. - b.

Hi Ameena. I finally got around to reading this!

It's a reasonable start, but I'm sorry to say that it hasn't grabbed my interest. In another thread, Beowuuf complained that you spend too long explaining the mechanics of the game and I agree completely. Some of the mechanics of the game are actually pretty silly in real-world terms and to try and rationalise them into a real story I think is pointless.

I am much more interested in characters and atmosphere. I think you've started to develop the characters quite well but on the atmosphere stakes it does not feel like they are in an oppresive dungeon. I would recommend that you change a lot of the exposition about mechanics into more atmospheric background and better character interaction. It seems like all the characters instantly get on with each other, and although you've tried to explain this by having Theron's voice explain their mission, it's not really explored very well. I think there would be much more uncertainty, confusion and distrust when they all initially meet. I realise you've only just started, but I hope you introduce some conflicts and upsets between characters -- so far it seems they are all best buddies. And a small point - the names seem a bit trite really and I have difficulty not laughing at 'Fippy' Nothing wrong with that per se, but I'm not sure that's your intention...?

Anyway, it's your story at the end of the day, and you must always write to please yourself, not others, so I'd be interested to see how this develops.

[beowuuf]

*bump* for replies

Haven't finsihed reading it yet myself...will do so tomorrow!

[beowuuf]

Hey, I finished it. I think the problem is still the baggage of the game mechanics present in the storytelling, but i seem to remember you'd done alot of the story before you even showed off the first part, plus this is you detailing the start of the game I guess!
I find it gets in the way too much though, as sometimes you are explaining the reason for everything in DM that is slightly odd...especially to players of the game, we already have that suspension of disbelief, or we ignore certain number crunching aspects, so while it is fun to point out a few of them and explain them away, (any one of the clothes thigns or chests thigns etc would be good) too many and I ofund it just doesn't let the story flow. I look forward to seeing the third part, as with less of this characters can get to move on more. Already some nice touches about how some rate their skilsl against others (who doesn't favour one character and let the others lapse : ) )

It's funny how there are certain points that everyone must fixate on for story points and things that are strange when trying to create a real life structure from the game... alot of the things i i have thought about you have touched on...about the 'truth' behind the creatures you face, why you can't just keep walking around with same gold key, etc

Anyway, keep going with the story!

[Ameena]

Hehe thanks for the comments Beo . I know it's still a bit slow 'cause of all the explanations of stuff but I thought, if I was reading something like that, wouildn't I wonder how they carried this big heavy chest? Surely it would get in the way when they're trying to swing a sword or whatever? Don't worry, I'll hopefully only go into such detail when they come across something new, and of course EVERYTHING is new at the start. As they get used to that kind of thing then Ameena won't be thinking about it much so I won't need to describe it so much.
I've been trying to get the "geography" of the dungeon right so I've had the Adventurer's Handbook page on the Encyclopaedia site up with the map of the level and the item list. Unfortunately, the version of the book on the site isn't as good as the one I've got (it doesn't list the puzzles/solutions, ie the labelled letters on the map), and of course neither show monster positions. Bear in mind this is at college so I can't open the DM file in the RTC editor and look at that either . I do like to be accurate - would annoy me to be reading a story and think "Hang on a minute, that doesn't happen there...". I write these things as though I'm the one reading it, not other people so erm...yeah, apologies if it's a bit crap hehe .
Level Three coming whenever I finish it (not started yet though).
Oh and BloodFromStone, how's your story going? Done any more? It was good so far .

[Gambit37]

Still the same issues that are making it hard for me to enjoy: too much time spent explaining the game mechanics. Why do things have to crumble into dust? OK, so it does it in the game, that's just a concession to programming limitations. It doesn't have to be like that literally in a dramatisation, and it would be a lot more entertaining if you'd actually describe mummies collapsing into a heap of rags, or screamers being splintered into matchsticks.

I think you need to spend some more time making it more atmospheric -- I want language that grabs my attention. I think you could really improve the interest of the story by using much more descriptive words. This simply doesn't interest me:

The entire central portion disintegrated upon contact and they were able to step through.

It's dull and mechanical and doesn't grab my attention. Whereas I might be thrilled by this:

The tiny fireball arced through the air, it's fiery orange tail casting demonic shadows on the ancient stone walls. They watched fascinated as it seemed to hang in the air for an instant before exploding against the door in a shower of sparks and sulphur. The door buckled, heaving under the weight, before bursting into flames, flickering tongues of fire consuming the tinder dry beams so quickly that they turned instantly to ash. Fippy stood, wide eyed and slack jawed. Turning to look at Shadow, he squealed in delight. "Again!"

OK, so I'm no expert writer or anything, but I hope I've given you some ideas on how you can liven it up.

[Ameena]

Oh, yeah, I'm normally really descriptive like that, but at some points where I was gonna put some detail, I figured I'd already put loads of detail about other stuff and this would slow it down even more. Don't worry, once I run out of new things to describe, I'll have to lengthen the descriptions of the older stuff in order to maintain the chapter length .

[Gambit37]

Hmmm.... I don't think there's much descriptive stuff like that in your story so far. I'm commenting on the *language* you're using rather than the length of description.

[BloodFromStone]

Just finished it. Sorry it took me so long to get around to reading it. It's interesting. I did like the bit about Chaos and the creatures within the dungeon at the very end. I, personally, would like to hear more about the characters as people (Or animal-people, depending), and less about what the obtain and how they advance, but that's mostly a difference in storytelling styles. I'm character and dialog based to the point of it being a flaw.

Oh and BloodFromStone, how's your story going?

It's coming along (slowly). It's up to three entries now, I dunno how many everyone has read. I've been meaning to update again, but I've been lazy. If you get a chance, let me know what you think of what I've got so far. It's fun watching the differences in the stories. You're a lot truer to the original dungeon than I am. I take a lot of... uh... let's call them creative liberties.

[beowuuf]

yeah, i really shiould get around to posting my start one at some point....involve finsihing and editing it! as you say, fun watchign the differences, but aloso fuin watchign the similarities, or seeing the different takeso n the same areas

and yes, charatcer and dialog based to a flaw...that rings a bell (it's into the double page count before anyone leaves the HoC)

[Ameena]

Just to let you know, Level 3 is nearly done...I've probably got a couple more paragraphs to do, but then I'll read it through and make sure it all makes sense, blah blah.
I think it's longer than the other two put together, be warned! I think it's probably slow and plodding in the first half, then more rushed toward the end, but I haven't read the whole chapter in one go yet, so...
Should be posting it up by tomorrow...

Edit - Have just finished Part Three...omg 19 pages, lol. I've still to just read it through. Seeing as I'm not at college on Tuesdays it'll probably be Wednesday that I actually post it up, unless I e-mail it to myself and do it at home tonight/tomorrow, seeing as I can't seem to get any games to work now .
Watch this space (well, the space a few threads below this one, wherever my story thread has gone now...), Level 3 is coming soon!

[beowuuf]

ooh, cool to see that then : )
eh, slow and plodding = character development...that's how i look at it...honest...*cough and run at 80 pages*

[Ameena]

D'oh - I did mean to finsh editing the Level 32 chapter before now, but I had some lovely fun amazing assignments to do, ohh deep JOY . And I forgot to e-mail it to myself to edit at home, and I'm going on a trip to Exmoor from Sunday-Friday so it'll be, like, two weeks before I get to post it up .

[beowuuf]

level 32? damn, i stop after level 14...i'm so embarrassed now.... : )

and damn about the long wait : (

[Ameena]

Lol didn't notice that typo .
And yeah, very sorry about the wait you'll have to endure. I had hoped to get the editing-check done by last week or early this week, but umm, well obviously I failed in that hehe. Had to finish a nasty nasty big smeggy icky essential assignment that was soooooo boring - business management on an animal care course, WOOHOO .
And I forgot to e-mail it to myself, otherwise I could have done it last night or something .

[beowuuf]

Business management on an animal care course? I will second that woohoo and raise it with a 'woot' : )

[beowuuf]

Just finished it. 19 pages in Word if you are interested and haven't said that before! : )

Quick reply as I hurry around getting ready for weekened away Liked the description of the first battle with the rock monster, like that your namesake (and everyone else) are gettign defintie personalities and the beginnings of natural dynamics and tensions in the group. Liek the foreshadowings liek Ameena getting subtle pushed and mroe aggresive by chaos (perhaps this will manifest in almost breakign the group up later) and also not sure what, but noticed the little pause about Stumpy - liek she remembered him from before, or there was something bothering her about him not offering magic...

I liked the funny line about the 'friends' the rocks and other 'friends' the doors.

Is it just me or are they managing to defeat creatures a little to easily though? I have stopped playing where my own story party has stopped at the moment, which is in the creature caverns, so haven't done the other parts in a while, just remmeber it being harder for some reason : )

[Ameena]

Well yeah, when I play it I know that Blue Trolls hit pretty hard, but they're not TOO tough. Mummies by that stage aren't too hard, though they're not a great threat to begin with (less than Trolls at any rate). With the Rock Monsters, I kind of had to elaborate a bit more on their battle techniques, since those little fangs are right in the middle of the monster so they must have some way of bringing you in for a bite.
Since we don't want to be too bogged down by game mechanics, having a nap every few mobs just doesn't seem very reliastic, plus going into details of every little bruise they get would be rather tedious. By this point, since you know more or less how they fight, you can pretty much assume that Ameena and Shadow hack 'n' slash, the casters chuck a Fireball or two, and then Stumpy hands out Vi Potions afterwards to those who need it.
As to character interactions...well, I suppose it's blindingly obvious how someone like Ameena is gonna cope with ten more levels of fantastically grey stone dungeon walls. Their past lives (though they've been reincarnated) do have some effect, as you may imagine - Stumpy mentions at some point having an affinity for stone tunnel environments, but he's a Dwarf, so...
I'm not saying any more. Any aspects of the story in the process of progression as they continue will come clear. I'm not making ALL of it from scratch as I go - one or two little threads have been there from the start . Anyway...I broke up for Easter holidays yesterday so I'm not back at college for just over two weeks. I could start chapter four here at home, but since we have GAMES here (:O) I'll probably be otherwise occupied when I'm on the computer .