This thread will contain a summary of the story, and a full text of the story beneath that. Feel free to use this thread for questions, comments, queries, speculations, requests, and plans for world domination.
Summary:
The twenty four champions are gathered in Theron's mansion, placed in a room together, labeled suspects by Theron's butler Zyx. A Trolin managed to dispose of a bloody knife, while Alex was stabbed and Halk found he was a woman. Mophus was pushed downstairs while propositioning Leyla inside a hidden passge - which Leyla is now trapped in.
Zyx tried to get a champion to poison himself by getting Beowuuf's help, but Tiggy ended up mutated into a twenty foot woman and Beowuuf dropped dead of fright.
Darouu stepped on Hissssa's tail illiciting angry response, while a mummy appeared to see why someone called it.
An incident turned the mummy into a joke book, the reading of which caused Leif to faint and a python to emerge with bit a passing 'Stop that!' man and Boris. Sadly, Boris died. Sophia's hiding place in the meantime had been discovered behind the sofa, and Elija had blinged head-long in to a lap dancing vexirk.
Cast:
-Twenty four DM champions (Mophus was pushed down stairs by Leyla, and Alex 'died' from mysterious weapon wounds, Tiggy is mutated into a 20 foot hairy woman, Leif knocked unconscious by morally questionable jokes, and Boris was poisoned by a python)
-Zyx, murderous butler to Theron
-Beowuuf, drunk and dead stoodge
-Sophia, summoned by Zyx and ran away quickly
-Trolin, possessor of bloody items he's getting rid of and know-er of secret passages. He's had his head cut off but appears to still be alive.
-Mummy, innocent passer by turned into a book of jokes (actually two, buy one get one free) with python inside and Mummy ghost still i nthe book.
-'Stop that' military man, bitten by a python
-Theron, worrying upstairs in his room.
-Bartholo-Meow, unseen and lost cat of Theron.
-Lap dancing vexirk
-Magenta worm with glo in the dark tu-tu (currently dropped)
The story:
MURDER MOST FOWL!!! A DM Christmas story
It was the night before Christmas, and all through the house not a sound could be heard...except a blood curdling scream!
And when I say house, what I mean is the huge mansion of Theron. He had build it beside Mount Anaias to be close to the Grey Lord, though that meant the odd critters who lurked in its depth could come out.
However, an Archmaster should be able to take care of himself...what had happened? And to whom? And how? And where?
"I am afraid you are all suspects," said Theron's butler, Zyx.
"What is the crime?" asked Halk, worried his cunning placement of mistletoe would be in vain in this current crisis.
"I am afraid I cannot say," said Zyx, bowing out of the room then laughing evilly outside of the door.
Twenty-four champions of good looked across at each other, wondering who was perhaps less champion-y than they should be. And in what way. And when. And where.
"So, are we the only suspects?" asked Zed allowed, feeling put out.
"A more important question," said Gothmog, pointing to a corner of the room, "is this:"...
"Why is that gigantic purple worm belly dancing in a tutu in the middle of the room?"
"See", Nabi whispered to Syra, "I told him not to sniff those mushrooms, but does he EVER listen, noo..."
"Well, maybe the mushrooms are the key to this whole murder-mystery!" giggled Syra to herself, hugging her pet screamer and inhaling deeply. Zed scowled and added in an overly pednatic tone: "Must have affected his eyesight badly. Why's he pointing in the corner and talking about the middle of the room?"
"More importantly," said the Trolin holding the bloody knife who was standing by the open secret door, "why has he left his hood in the corner?"
"Wait, where did YOU come from?!", yelled Stamm, drawing his axe alarmedly. Syra looked at the Trolin (who was dressed as a giant uncooked turkey) and eeked: "Eek! A nasty trolin with a bloody knife standing by a secret door!" while jumping neatly into Daroou's hairy arms. Luckily, Daroou's hair provided camouflage for a new temporal body extension, caused by the warm, soft body in his gigantic hairy arms. Meanwhile Mophus proceeded to show Stamm in graphic detail, using the help of Leyla, exactly where Trolins came from.
"You know", said Tiggy to Boris, looking disapprovingly at Mophus, "I think he kept me for all those years just because my height was perfect for... you know..."
"Holding the blackboard, I know," said Boris ruefully, "it was the with me and Leyla when she wanted to use her teacher's outfit."
Just then, Zyx evilly returned, looking evil and making evil noises with his evil tongue in his evil mouth. "Well, my friends", he said, grinning evilly, "you all see the knife... but whose blood may it be?" He eyed them all evilly while twirling some blueprints in his left hand; you could just make out the title: "Conflux: The Revenge." Looking at the blueprints, Wuuf whispered to Gando: "I wonder if I still get to keep my Beobow!" Gando raised a smile but before he could say something clever, Zyx boomed at everyone: "Stop your pointless gassing and listen to me!"
"One of you is dead, though he - or she, I might add - may not know that yet!"
"It's not me!" said Elija, being dragged about over Leif's shoulders, "I feel happy!" Elija was not fooling anyone however, and the champions quickly huddled together trying to work out which one of them had commited the ghastly and horrific murder of the still alive and happy and unmarkd Elija. Suddenly, Wu Tse leaned forwards and said in a hushed voice: "Would anyone like to see my spicy sausage?"
"Listen, sister", said Iaido matter-of-factly, "I know you are called SON of Heaven for no apparent reason, but trust me, you don't HAVE a spicy sausage!" Wu Tse looked crestfallen, took a long salami out of her backapck and munched on it quietly while the rest of the gang cooked up theories about their new predicament. The Trolin obligingly used his knife to cut the salami into bite sized chunks, 'accidentally' cleaning the blood from it and 'accidentally' cackling that the evidence was being eaten. Wu Tse tried to get the attention of the rest of the gang by waving her sausage about, but the small pieces simply flew everywhere raising nary a peep from the engrossed enclave.
"I think it might be Wu-Tse," said Gothmog waggling his fiery eye-brows, "he/she seems to be waving a bloody sausage around menacingly."
"Nah, I don't think so, he's such a girl he couldn't get himself killed if he tried" disagreed unspeciified Champion# 13.
"It might be me", sobbed Hissssa, "ever since Chani left me, I don't feel anything anymore..."
"I just went to the bloody toilet for two seconds while you were looking at DVDs* in HMV*" said Chani angrily, "will I ever hear the end of it!"
"Yeah, but then you escaped by jumping out of the window while I was left to pay for your boxed set of Felicity with nothing but a worthless copper coin." Hisssa replied, hurt.
"Folks, can we PLEASE get serious?", Zed stated loudly, with all the authority he could muster. Everyone stared in surprise at the mustachioed man-mouse who was not known for his forceful outbursts. "Ok, is anyone currently bleeding?", he asked, looking earnestly from one to another. The champions inspected each other for cuts and other injuries, with Wu-Tse getting a little annoyed that she did not seem to be getting the same level of attention as the other female champions were. Just as it seemed that everyone was OK, Halk looked concerned after peering inside his loincloth and said:
"I appear to have an axe wound."
"Oh, so that's what you call it, Mr.Small!" sniggered Tiggy, slightly tipsy on Trolin Tequila.
The dawning of realisation entered briefly into Halk's mind was that in fact after all these years he, was a she......but no, the idea was quickly dispensed on remembering the confusion over seeing Wu Tse dressed in a full latex bodysuit with built in 'protrusion': no room for two questionable genders in this party!
Outside the door, Zyx rubbed his hands with glee as he said to his companion, "my dear Sophia, Theron wished me to delay the champions (and it is working so well hehe) however I feel only if we combine our evil champion defeating resources can we truly kil- I mean pois- I mean delay them enough...WITH DEATH!!!" Sophia blinked at Zyx and furrowed her brow, then opened her eyes wide -- all round and eyey -- incredulous at the sheer evillness of her fellow insanity blanket.
"Can't we just confound them with a confusing conflux of cranial conundrums and classic challenges until they calmly kill themsevles to achieve circumvention?" asked Sophia in return over Zyx's laughing and hand-wringing. Zyx grinned madly at her and winked his wet wonky eyes, "I like the way you think, you nefarious, nasty, nether-regional noggin nobber!"
"Umm, I'll take that as a compliment," she said, backing away to create some intricate mis-direction as far from Zyx as possible.
Meanwhile, back in the main hall, the Trolin was trying to hide the now bloodless knife under some scatter cushions and the dancing Magenta Worm was now sitting on a rather plush seat while being lapdanced by a rather unattractive vexirk masquerading as Librasulus -- in drag.
While searching through the myriads of pockets in his cloak, Alex suddenly discovered a deep, bleeding wound; raising his eyebrows in shock, he said: "Great, first, nobody mentions me in this story, and now it seems like I am the vic-", but he fell to the floor without finishing his sentence, suddenly being the cold, emotionless body that Syra always saw in him.
"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" she exclaimed, "have a murderer in our midst!", jumping up quickly and head-butting the trolin who had quietly returned from his knife-hiding and was leaning over her with a strange lecherous look on his face. The trolin fell backwards, directly landing on Gando who was busy inspecting his favourite toothpick with a wide eye. "Ooooh, my foot!" Gando yelped as the Trolin stamped on his tiny toes, flailing as he went down and grabbing Daroous hairy things for support. Daroou let out a deafening yell - of pain or pleasure, no one was quite sure.
"Don't grab my lovely new dreadlocks, you gruesome blue meany!" he yelped and promptly lopped off the Trolin's head with his special Christmas sword. "Can we stop havng an orgy while Alex lies here dead," cried Mophus plaintively, but then Zyx's mask started falling off and he was forced to flee from the room through the secret door. "This isn't an orgy," chimed in Leif, "I told you, we're an anarco-sydicalist commune -- and we're just, you know... communing." Suspecting that Zyx was behind the whole murder, Leyla darted after him, running through the secret door just a moment before it closed.
"Teehee," said Mophus as his Zyx mask fell of, "I had no idea how I was going to get you alone for some 'christmas cheer' - now we are alone, with two masks, so I can be zyx and you can be me!" Leyla screamed and punched him sharply in his scary grinning mouth, watching him fall down the steps into the darkness below as she scrabbled with the latch on the door that had closed behind them.
"Two down one trapped," said Zyx outside the door to the drunk Beowuuf, "but that is not important, what is is that you must go in there with these two goblets and give one to one of the champions, remembering that the brew that is true is in the goblet of the hobbit, while the phial that was vile was poured into the gourd of the lord."
"O.o?" said Beowuuf, his feeble brain trying to comprehend Zyx's evil gobble-a-duke.
"Look," said Zyx, irritated from poison when handling his harmless rats, "its quite easy - the long container of the short retainer contains the pure wine of the dirty vine, while the fluted glass of the lordly ass has a black-hearted brew from a hart, bat and shrew!"
"O.o?" said Beowuuf again.
"Gah, it's so simple," said Zyx as one of his poisonous rats started chewing on his long johns, "the clear beer in the flagon of pointy style is not as vile as the dark mead in the flowery transparent cup that the greedy seed of the royal weed once secured for his dying lord to drink right up when he had the hiccups!"
Searching around for something thwackingly handy, Beowuuf found a large umbrella propped against the wall and with one swift thrust, plunged it hard into Zyx's......'twin brother', who looked on with unamused disdain and a lack of care no matter how many times Beowuuf stabbed him, finally forcing Beowuuf to give up, belch loudly, and take the four glasses from the two brothers' Zyx in his four paws and stagger in a zig zag into the room. As he wavered his way towards to champions, he heard a rattling coming from the secret door and in panic noticed it lift slightly.
"Here, hold theeesh you twoosh," he said to Tiggy, putting the two drinks into her hands then rushing over to the door and thumping on it with his feet haphazardly, saying, "not again, dead hamsters need to stay dead!"
"Isn't it a little early to be pissed?" mused Tiggy to herself as she noticed the glory of the enticing intoxicant before her and downed both before you could say "Feck!"
Luckily, the poison and non-poison interacted to cancel each other out - thus the poison became non-poisonous, and the non-poison became poisonous. This left Tiggy's poor little body so confused that instead of trying to both die and recover, it instead decided to genetically mutate and changed her into something quite remarkable:
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, the almighty hamster mother returns to puneesh the shinnershesh," said a terrified drunk Beowuuf collapsing dead of a heart attack and unlocking the secret door when he fell.
Tiggy the Hamster Mother looked sad, she only wanted to make friends and the funny man had gone and pooped his clogs, so she looked around for someone else to play with and spied the gang of champions. "MUMMY!" said Daroou, tears in his eyes, rushing forward to embrace his long lost maternal figure and stamping violently on Hissssa's tail in the process. Tiggy was puzzled by the strange hairy man running towards her and was unsure what to do about it, when the genetic turmoil inside her went all T-virus and transformed her further, taking her to twenty feet tall in a split second, massive blonde afro scraping the ceiling of the majestic hall. Luckily, Daroou was spared the heartbreaking sight of his 'mother' changing when Hissssa grabbed him by the throat with lizard-y talons while a a red throbbing 'third leg' was waved irately at the hairy man-mountain.
From around the corner, there was a thump-thump, and a mummy appeared, curious at who could be calling for him/her/it at this late, inopportune hour. "Here, hold this noose while I get rid of a bloody candlestick, would you?" asked the terrible Trolin of the maudlin mummy. The Mummy screamed in fright at the talkative headless Trolin, and contrary to normal behaviour took off at great speed and dived behind a sofa, where he found 28 pence, a remote control and the remains of Theron's last take-way curry.
"How am I supposed to hide things AND hold my own head!" wailed the inconsolable Trolin inconsolably, setting his head down on a patent Star Trek(TM) Explodable Console (TM) so his body could blindly stagger around with the incriminating evidence to hide. Sophia looked a bit surprised that someone had joined her in her hiding place, and looked dismayed when the mummy grabbed the curry she was planning on eating, and the 28 pence that she was saving up (as she was American, 28 pence would get her roughly $150)
"Hey, what's the big idea?" she protested. She didn't really want to know what the big idea was, mind you-- a moderately-sized idea would suffice.
"Ah, the BIG sized deal is if you let me steal your curry meal then I'll also eat your ice-cream, FOR FREE, and a LARGE drink of your choice later," said the mummy, not letting go of the opportunity to earn his advertising money even though Sophia had said 'idea' in stead of 'deal' like he had hoped.
Sophia frowned, and cast "Um Oh Ew," promptly turning the mummy into a book of jokes of questionable taste. The lewd book of jokes fell to the ground, right at the feet of the Trolin who swiftly plucked it up with one hand, grabbed his head with the other, and went off into the corner for some quality Trolin time.
Syra saw one of the books, and thinking it a new spellbook she opened it and read the content in a move that turned her face red, Stamm's face red and sweaty, and rendered comatose the morally upright Leif the Valiant. Confused that one joke book had turned into many, Elijah suddenly entered the story, suspicious that nefarious dark magic might be at play and determined to find the perpetrator at all costs!
"It's part of the meal deal, buy one get one free!" said the ghost of the mummy, still alive in one of the books and burping happily on the ghost of curry.
"What's all this dark magic insanity!?" shrieked Elijah as he fled from the mummy ghost in terror, tripping over a ruffled carpet and flying headlong into the hideous lap dancing Vexirk: trinkets and cash hidden in various secret places under that Jawas robe went spilling everywhere, and the poor Magenta Worm quickly shuffled off in embarrassment leaving behind his day-glo tutu.
Meanwhile, in the master bedroom above, Theron sadly wondered what had become of his pet 'cat' Bartholo-Meow - he did hope it wouldn't attack any 'rats' again this year.
Daroou, badly beaten down by his saurian companion, threw up his past meal, which happened to contain quite a few cat bones, and a ball of hair, and Sonja's panties. Everything blows up! ...or so, everyone thought, but it was just Boris' wand emanating a little puff of smoke; he obvously failed at banishing all the naughty jokes in the books.
"Umm, Daroou, did you mis-read the 'knickerbocker glory' recipe again?" asked Boris concerned for the hairy man-mountain.
All of a sudden, a man in a uniform stepped in, yelling: "Alright, alright, stop that, this is getting silly! The part with the Zyx mask wasn't bad, but now it's just plain silly!"
Unfortunately, the joke Python of Daroou escaped from the jokebook and 'enhanced' by Zyx, it poisoned the uniformed man and Boris standing close by before Darou either could say, "watch out for Monty!"
Boris fell to the ground, feeling the poison running through his veins; with his last amount of strength, he said: "Grynix jernum quey ki skebow rednim u os dey wefna enocarn aquantana" When everybody looked completely astonished at him, he added: "No creature". If only people realised the sentence meant "I really wish I'd had enough sax," and spoke of Boris's love of jazz, then they may have gained a deeper unstanding of his creative genius and would have realised the true author of the song 'No Creature, No Cry in Pain, currently attributed to a John Coltraine and Bob Marley cross-over.
The Silly Tiny Seasonal Story Summary Thread 2008
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Trantor
- Duke of Banville
- Posts: 2466
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No, with Truman Capote as an eccentric house owner who invites the world's most famous detectives and promises them a murder. The detective to solve the murder gets one million dollars, and all the detectives are parodies of famous literal detectives, like Peter Falk playing Sam Diamond (instead of Sam Spade)... There are also parodies of Hercule Poirot, Miss Marple and so on. It's absolutely hilarious.
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Gambit37
- Should eat more pies
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Heh, I'd forgotten how much fun this is. Way better for motivation when you can only write one line, and the scrabbling around with editing and deleting or reposting to avoid cock-ups just adds to the Chaos.
The interactive story was a good idea, but this is probably much more engaging for everyone as it's simpler and quicker. Nice one Beo.
The interactive story was a good idea, but this is probably much more engaging for everyone as it's simpler and quicker. Nice one Beo.
Last edited by Gambit37 on Mon Dec 08, 2008 11:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Trantor
- Duke of Banville
- Posts: 2466
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:16 am
- Location: Berlin, Germany
- Contact:
Yes, I fully agree with you Gambit. It's tremendous fun! 
I missed the start of the interactive story back then and didn't bother to catch up as it seemed a lot of work. This one is rather easy to jump into, and it seems at least we three still have some creativity left in us. 
Too bad I really have to go to bed now, but I'll check what happened first thing tomorrow morning!
I missed the start of the interactive story back then and didn't bother to catch up as it seemed a lot of work. This one is rather easy to jump into, and it seems at least we three still have some creativity left in us. Too bad I really have to go to bed now, but I'll check what happened first thing tomorrow morning!
Come and join in and play yourself!-
MasterWuuf
- Arch Master
- Posts: 1072
- Joined: Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:22 pm
- Location: Way Down Here, Louisiana
When I get as OLD as you... hee, heeian_scho wrote:After nearly 9 months of attempting to write stuff with a Christmas cheer I find myself feeling a bit of a grumpy bastard.
However, I promise to add a line or two in the near future... In March maybe
Are you old as dirt? Or are you just as old as you feel?
"Wuuf's big brother"
Well, there was a slight creak there in my sentence under its own weight, but I reckon it was just old age!
So, the game seems to be shaping up - kill off the champions, add as many forum members as possibly, and also hint at an actual original murder!
For bonus points, start off with an intriguing story about a plane crash on an island but then just piss about for four years until everyone stops caring!
So, the game seems to be shaping up - kill off the champions, add as many forum members as possibly, and also hint at an actual original murder!
For bonus points, start off with an intriguing story about a plane crash on an island but then just piss about for four years until everyone stops caring!